Joking Smoker - That's Just Silly Talk

Stuff I think I think! No fetus eating, new car for 99 cents a month and more.

2012-02-02T12:06:00.000-08:00

Just face it: Everything happens for no reason.
I heard on the news that they are considering a bill that will not allow aborted fetuses in our food. What? That's outrageous! So now, I can't have my occasional fetus butter and jelly sandwich?
Channel 7 (WXYZ-TV) in Detroit ran a promo for days on Dishwasher Danger, telling us that our dishwashers can catch fire and burn down our houses. And they were going to tell us how to prevent it on the following Wednesday at 6:45 a.m. Apparently it's not that big of a deal if they made us wait days to tell us how not to burn down our houses. :)
I can buy a brand new, 2012 Toyota Camry for only 99 cents per month (with $27,999 due at signing).
Why do they have a door on the back of roadside mailboxes? Are people really so lazy that they can't walk the extra foot?
During the Viet Nam era, I got a Purple Heart. Okay, I just found it in my Lucky Charms box, but I got it.
My brakes are going bad on my car. Yesterday, I drove by the brake shop, but I didn't stop.
You've heard the saying: "It's like taking candy from a baby." You should take candy from a baby. What the fuck is a baby doing with candy?
Since 50% of all marriages fail, I'm going to start giving only half of my wedding gift. You get the other half if you stay married for ten years.

Thunder by Nimish - kicked my palate's ass - cigar review

2012-01-24T07:31:00.000-08:00

If there's one thing that I think is always a guarantee with any cigar that has the Rocky Patel name on it is that it is going to provide you with a really nice draw and a great mouthful of smoke. That is surely the case with the Thunder by Nimish (Rocky's cousin I'm told).

I purchased a Thunder at Churchill's Cigar Bar in West Bloomfield, Michigan, which is a great place to fully enjoy a cigar without the dirty looks from unenlightened, pompous pricks. :) They have an amazing selection of cigars in their walk-in humidor and a full bar for your imbibing pleasure.

But, I digress. After finishing the cigar I was smoking when I arrived (an inexpensive, but very nice Quorum), I proceeded to the humidor and was immediately approached by our waitress. A delightful woman with a Lithuanian accent. Probably because she is from Lithuania. (Man, that college is paying off.) And the most refreshing thing was she seemed quite knowledgeable about cigars and had one going herself in the other room.

Of course, she's trying to push up your tab by getting you interested in cigars you may not have tried, but I told her what I liked and she recommended the Thunder by Nimish. Good call.

I loved it immediately upon lighting it. A very nice draw, lots of smoke, a great spicy kick and it stayed consistent until the end. I chose the Toro (6 x 52) with a Habano wrapper (with a nice smooth feel), Nicaraguan and Honduran binder, with Nicaraguan, Honduran and Costa Rican fillers.

I like the rich smoke and faint underlying sweetness to complement the spicyness. About 6 bucks when purchased in single stick manner or a little over $100 for a box of 20.

All in all, nice going cuz.

Hostess and Kodak going bankrupt? How will I take a picture of my Twinkie?

2012-01-10T06:59:00.000-08:00

Another two American institutions, Hostess and Kodak, are filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection. Who's fault is it? Yours!

Go ahead, take a look in your cupboard. Any Twinkies? Wonder Bread? Probably not. You're probably ruining America by eating granola bars and whole grain bread.

And who develops your photographs? Oh yeah, NOBODY. And your camera? Probably not made in the USA.

So, is it any wonder that these two former giants may be going down? Not really.

Hostess was already under Chapter 11 a mere three years ago, and currently owes about $50 million...just from last month. Kodak is preparing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, is looking for a billion dollars and the NYSE is threatening to kick them right off the exchange if it can't increase its share price in the next six months. Their stock recently fell 30% to about 44 cents last week.

It looks like my grandfather may have been a wiser man than most thought, when he predicted the demise of both of these companies. Regarding Kodak, he said they would be a "flash in the pan" and that Hostess is like marriage, "you can only enjoy the Twinkie for a while."

Never really knew what the hell Grandpa was talking about.

Funny Fotos I Found or Phunny Photos I Phound

2011-12-30T05:42:00.000-08:00

There's nothing like a funny photo. It takes no work to look at it, and you immediately know whether it's funny or not. For some reason funny photos or images seem to be less subjective than jokes. Here's a few I love. You can find more at the Interactive Lunacy web site.

Maybe Rick Perry should just learn to keep his mouth shut.

Farts, air biscuits, trouser coughs or whatever you call them..we all do it..so lighten up.

2011-12-22T07:53:00.001-08:00

It always amazes me when people get indignant, insulted or even offended when some cuts a fart. Come on! We all do it. (Even Whoopi Goldberg on the View.)

Find me one person who has never let one loose inappropriately and I'll show you a goddam liar. It happens to everyone. Whether it's a loud expression of flatulatory release, or a classic "silent but deadly" one-cheek-sneak that you never even have to claim, it happens to all of us.

Don't be offended, people. Farting around close friends and family members can actually help you bond and become closer. Being able to share such an intimate and olfactorily offensive activity shows a real trust and love. If someone shares their fart with you, relish it. Be thankful that this person feels so comfortable with you that they will actually bring attention to the occurrence and share it with you.

Okay, there probably isn't anyone who actually enjoys when someone shares their flatulence, but maybe you feel comfortable enough with the other person to share it as a method of semi-cruel practical jokedness. These situations are always great fun and a wonderful story to tell for years to come. One time, when I used to work in a sales office, one of the other sales consultants (I'll call him Drake...because that was his name), was in the showroom with a customer. I could see that the conversation was leading to Drake inviting the gentleman into his office for further discussion and to close the deal. Because I was just about ready to release an air biscuit, I took the opportunity to rush into Drake's office and release it there, before he arrived with his customer. Comedy gold!

Sometimes, you can show someone how much you care for them by directing them away from the trouser cough. On one occasion (okay, many occasions), while grocery shopping with my wife, we separated to different aisles to locate items on our grocery list. When she returned to my aisle and began approaching me, I quickly moved toward her and said, "You might not want to go down this aisle right at this moment." How loving is that?

So, before you point the finger at someone for farting, make sure you don't linger...or they may just pull it.

What would you rather forget, your cell phone or your cigar saver?

2011-12-08T12:45:00.001-08:00

For me, one of the most important cigar accessories is the cigar saver . It's really nothing more than a plastic tube with a hinged lid on it. You can take a lit cigar, drop it down the tube where it will be immediately extinguished, and then pull it out later to re-light and enjoy.

Even though I'm neurotically attached to my Android device, I would rather forget my phone than my cigar saver. Since it is a very rare occasion that I can enjoy an entire cigar in one sitting, the cigar saver affords me the ability to step out, enjoy part of a cigar and save the rest for later.

The only drawback to using a cigar saver is that when you place a fully lit cigar into it, the lighted end turns into a hard charcoal-like nub, making it a bit difficult to re-light. I don't recommend this with a really expensive cigar, but with my Quorum's I have developed a nearly flawless method of flicking off the hard nub much in the same manner that you would flick a booger. (Oh come on, you know you do it.)

Another tip if you plan to purchase a cigar saver: before you drop your lit cigar down the tube (lighted end down), take a reverse puff. Blow "through" the cigar forcing the smoke out the lighted end. This will get the stale smoke out of the cigar and will taste much better upon re-lighting.

So, it's like this...brief ponderings about being punctilious, tolerating intolerance and more

2011-11-04T09:47:00.000-07:00

So, it's like this....

• I like Fiber One bars. A lot. Excuse me, I'll be right back.

• One of my many faults: I'm quite intolerant of intolerance.

• I never see an occasion where I would want to write anything on my Rice Krispie Treat wrapper. They have left a big white area so that you can write a cute message or something on the front of your treat. I think it was just some lazy-ass graphic artist who said, "Hey, let's just leave a bunch of white space on the front." Even if I did want to add a message to my snack, that's what Post-It notes are for.

• I've been promoting my freelance marketing, advertising, public relations and graphic design work by saying that I'm a Punctilious Marketing Specialist. Now, I'm just trying to figure out a way to get paid by dictionary.com for all of the people I'm sending their way to look up punctilious.

• I went to the Fortune Telling Bingo page and my fortune was: "You will repeatedly spank sticky, soggy panties." I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty sure I'd be happy to do it.

What's your BINGO fortune?

Okay, as you were...only better.

Blame it on Cain, crappy coffee concerns and wacky interactive fortune teller

2011-10-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

Writing comedy for Herman Cain
I wish I had been a speech writing consultant for Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain at last night's West Coast, Las Vegas Republican Debate. When they asked each of the candidates to briefly explain their differences from President Obama I would have advised him to say, "Frankly, it's black and white. No wait, not exactly..." and then go on with his point.

Coffee dilemmas
I'm working in an office building in downtown Detroit. The coffee is provided by the employer. It's not great coffee. It's brewed in one of those giant, three-burner, industrial Bunsen-like coffee machines. The machine has been there (without any internal cleaning that I know of) for at least five years. This makes it hard to determine whether the coffee tastes like it does because of the ground coffee or the maker. I think both.

Then to make matters worse, the plastic/aluminim, welded-shut, single-pot envelope which contains the coffee is supposed to have a little slit on the side for easy tearing and dumping into the filter basket. About 80% of the little envelopes have no little slit, forcing you to pursue alternative methods of openage. The simplest and most obvious would be to walk back to my desk, get a pair of scissors and return to cut the bag. Or better yet, just bring the bag with me to my desk (it's not that heavy), cut it and return to the coffee making area. But that would be wasting 70 steps that I can use later to move toward a location I'd rather be heading toward.

The only other option is to attempt to pull each side open, separating the sides which have been very carefully crazy-glued together so that when you do finally get them to snap apart the coffee grounds go flying everywhere.

This is a lot of work for a bad cup of coffee.

Of course, I'm pretty spoiled because at home I use the Keurig B60 Special Edition Gourmet Single-Cup Home-Brewing System

Looking for stupid fun?
Of course you are. Take a look at this clever, funny lunatic who created an interactive, online fortune telling video.

Peace on you all.

Two favorite REAL funny photos - Exit before Tweeting and Serving Size one bite

2011-10-04T05:29:00.000-07:00

Not much need be said about these two great photos. If you really want one of the Exit Before Tweeting signs you can order from Shark Robot.

Hey look! Only 80 calories! But check out the Serving Size.

Creepy or cool? QR codes on tombstones; Homer Simpson in the flesh photo

2011-09-29T04:51:00.000-07:00

Is this creepy or cool?

Is this creepy or cool? In Japan, they are putting QR codes on tombstones at cemeteries. That way, visitors to the grave can scan the code with their Smartphone and see a picture of the deceased, read a eulogy or even watch a video. I'd make a video before I died of me inside of a coffin, still alive, pounding to get out. And I'd make sure there was a shovel nearby.

Homer in the flesh. Is this disgusting or hilarious?

I'm thinking both.

Let me tell you what I think about the cost of homes, lighting cigars, whether Google makes you stupid and let's rethink ink

2011-09-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

Random thoughts from a dime-a-dozen, cheap, two-bit stand-up comic:

The "Fuck the Public" Effect

How is it that the cost of homes are low and everything else is high? I believe it's the "fuck the public" effect. Whichever way screws over the general population is how it will go. Since people own homes, the value is so low that they can't sell them. But if they need to buy something that they do not yet own, it's outrageously expensive.

Maybe it's me!

I know I've probably given a not-so-great review to a cigar or two because i didn't take care in lighting it. Then, I complained that it didn't burn right. My bad.

I've noticed that if I'm outside in even a very mild breeze, that my cigars do not burn nearly as well as if I fire them up in my garage before stepping into the breeze.

For the best light us SST lighters, rotate above the flame without puffing, then finally, slow steady draws as you continue rotating. If you get a cigar lit properly and then it burns poorly, now that's an issue.

People just don't think any more?

I disagree with those who say that Google is making people stupid by giving them such easy access to so much information. Game show superstar Ken Jennings said in the recent Time Magazine interview that he's worried there's less value placed on broad general knowledge because Google is so readily available.

I think the opposite is true. People will now research and learn about things that they never would have before because the knowledge is right there at their fingertips. Thus, making them smarter methinks.

So, shut up Mr. Jeopardy Smartie Pants.

Does ink stink?

I think the fact that many characters in movies who happen to have the same tattoos as the actors playing them doesn't work most of the time. If you know you're going to be pretending to be someone else and there's a chance you may take your clothes off, you might want to think twice before having a giant picture of your mate tatooed to your ass.

How to impress strangers or maybe humiliate them for fun
If you're going out to dinner with someone you don't know very well, or worse yet someone you don't like very much, it's a good idea to do a little preparation so that you have something to talk about.

For instance, if you know they're into sports, check out the sports headlines and read a couple of articles. It may also be a good idea to spend a half hour browsing the Yahoo News web page. That way you'll know a little bit about everything and will be able to chime in on most any topical conversation. The economy, world news, pop culture, gossip.

And if, by chance, they don't bring up any of these topics, you can do it and maybe make them look stupid which, when you really don't like someone, is always fun.

Rock, Paper, Scissors online

Even though I thnk it's really cool that there is an online version of Rock, Paper, Scissors, I think it's weird that the New York times is the one who created it.

Is Piers Morgan just playing the role of a$$hole on America's Got Talent?

2011-08-04T07:21:00.000-07:00

To paraphrase Frank Zappa's line about young people and music: "America's Got Talent" judge Piers Morgan wouldn't know talent if it bit him in the ass. I know that they say that he's just "playing the role" of the mean guy on the American version of the show, but I wouldn't risk having the whole world view me as an asshole just for the gig. Okay, yes I would. But, still.

His inability to see the humor of the only two actual comedians on the show (J. Chris Newburg and Geechy Guy) should be indication enough that he has no business sitting in the judges chair. The other judges liked them. The audience was howling with laughter. And Piers had the audacity to tell Geechy Guy that his jokes were like getting hit in the head with a hammer. Maybe actually getting hit in the head with a hammer would knock some sense into him.

I'm sure there are some defenders of his opinions. Every once in a while I even agree with him. But his arrogant, ill-informed opinions have repeatedly shown that he just doesn't know what the hell he is talking about.

Take for instance when singer Taylor Davis made his final appearance on August 2nd, Piers criticized him saying that he was singing off-key. He was not singing off key. That was verified by people who actually can tell if someone is singing off key. Can't judge humor. Can't judge singers. And why is he there?

Oh, maybe because he can judge novelty, dance and danger acts? Nope. He sucks at that as well.

In the past two weekly opportunities to put through either the number four or number five most voted-for contestants he showed his incredible ineptness again. Last week, he chose Professor Splash (the guy who dives into a small pool of water) as the one to move on to the next round. Piers stated that he put him through because he thought he had the best chance to have a great show in Vegas. Really? REALLY? This is the same guy who, after his last dive, had to be taken to the hospital to be checked out and his body was covered in bruises. And Piers thinks that he can do this multiple times per day in Vegas? What are they going to do, add a hospital wing onto the casino?

Then, last night (August 3rd), Piers had to decide between comedian/impressionist Melissa Villasenor and juggler Charles Peachock. Although Melissa had a very good first set in the early going, it was pretty clear that she was new to the business and doesn't really have all that much material. Her first set included impressions of Kathy Griffin Miley Cyrus and they were spot on, but she even indicated that she's pretty much an open miker and I suspected that her first spot exhausted her best material. She proved me right with her last appearance which didn't have a lick of comedy in it, and the impressions were only okay at best.

But, back to Piers Morgan. To further point out that he really doesn't have a clue, he mildly admonished Melissa by pointing out that she was much better in the Vegas round. She wasn't even in Vegas. She was put right through to the Hollywood round. Oops. Hey Piers, was that your Paula Abduhl impression?

So again, it came down to Piers deciding between Melissa and Charles as to who gets to move on (with one vote each from Howie Mandel and Sharon Osbourne). Instead of choosing the act who has exhibited three separate and somewhat amazing juggling spectacles which looked very much like a Vegas act, he chose the one with very little experience and even less material.

Please, NBC, get this dufus off the show. Let him go back to CNN and his other show, where he exhibits that he's almost as bad an interviewer as he is a judge.

Sorry, Piers, but you know what they say: Judge not, lest ye be judged.

So, here's what I think you should do: Go to the NBC Wild Card page and click on Geechy Guy to return to the show. He has "so many jokes it's not even funny" and would bring actual comedy back to AGT.

Geechy Guy tells jokes. Piers Morgan is one.

Bad joke translations funnier than the jokes - really funny jokes

2011-06-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the funniest things aren't intended to be funny. In this case, they're intended to be funny, yet they are mostly funny in a totally different manner than intended.

As you may know, I have a number of web sites (Click On Comedy, Interactive Lunacy, Cell Phone Reality TV, Dirty Joke Show), most of them just an outlet for my desire to share the stupid shit I think of or discover. Okay, they are also a way to generate a little extra money with advertising revenue and additional comedy gigs.

So, as part of my webmaster duties, I research other websites (aka: competitors) to see how their sites are doing, how my relevant keywords compare to theirs and blah, blah, blah. On this occasion I was comparing other sites to a joke page I created which contained a few hand-picked jokes directly from "The Dirty Joke Show" starring Geechy Guy and appearing nightly at Hooters Casino in Las Vegas (plug, plug).

While researching the keywords "funny jokes" I came across a web site that came up very high in the rankings even though the content didn't actually qualify as "really funny jokes."

I don't know any of this to be true, but I believe that the owner of this site is in another country, let's say Indonesia. And he/she has taken funny Indonesian jokes and translated them to English. These "really funny jokes" were then posted on their web site and promoted as a "really funny jokes" page. (Notice how I keep repeating "really funny jokes?" That's so when others are searching for "really funny jokes" they may find this blog page. I'm such a whore.)

Here are a few examples of the translated really funny jokes:

"A political man come in football final as a chief guest . when the match ends then he said i m really unhappy to see the situation both team players are running behind the one ball. give me votes i will give separate separate football to every one. Nice Best Funny Joke!"

"two friends met together first said: once a time a horrible accident was take place with me. lion was come in front of me and trying to eat me,
second friend : then what you do?
first friend: i will go to other side from the cage of lion.
Marvelous Best Funny Joke!"

"mother to son: son what happened?
son : nothing mom a little injury takes on my finger.
mother: then why you don’t weep?
son: i thought that you are not at home.
Nice Best Funny Joke!"
[NOTE: I actually understand this joke.]

"a elephant and mouse was best friends, one day mouse ask the age of elephant.
elephant replied: two years.
mouse: repeat the question.
elephant again replied two years then mouse said i m also of 2 years just i m not well due to illness.
Awesome Best Funny Joke"

"child to other:what can you like laughing or weeping .
2nd replied: weeping.
1st child : why?
2nd child: because my father can gave me money to stop crying.
Cant stop laughing, really good best Funny Joke!"

Oh please, stop. My sides. My sides.

Let me know if you want more funny translations of really nice best awesome marvelous funny jokes.

Cigar suggestions for celebrating death of Osama bin Laden

2011-05-03T06:58:00.000-07:00

I posted the question in one of the cigar forums, asking what cigars people were planning to smoke to celebrate the killing of Osama bin Laden.

Here are some of the suggestions, and some others I found:

Fighting Cock - No longer made.

Gurkha Assassin - Full bodied. Brazilian wrapper. Dominican binder. Nicaraguan filler.

Gurkha Special Ops - hand made in the Dominican Republic with a dark, oily wrapper

Exile - Created by Omar Ortez and handmade in Esteli, Nicaragua

Trinidad y CIA - Decent, cheap, medium-bodied Robusto with Honduran binder and Dominican, Honduran and Nicaraguan filler

Drew Estate Natural Dirt - You wouldn't think a stick called "Natural Dirt" would be sweet, but it is. Very.

Acid Nasty - Not a big fan. Kinda nasty if you ask me. Nicaraguan. Ecuador wrapper.

Any other suggestions?

Prince Harry plotting to get rid of William? and other unsubstantiated reflections

2011-05-02T04:36:00.000-07:00

• Donald Trump is considering running for President. Obama decides to pre-empt Celebrity Apprentice for the Osama Bin Ladin is dead announcement. Coincidence? I don't think so.

• Scenario: President Obama issues an order to the Navy Seals that he would prefer an attack on Osama Bin Ladin on a Sunday evening between 9 and 11, Eastern Daylight Time, when all of the news executives and reporters are home watching Celebrity Apprentice. I can see Obama, tuned to NBC, smoking a cigarette and saying, "Okay, pull the plug." Take that Donald Trump. :)

• Prince Harry could be plotting to get rid of William before he has a male child so that HE can be King. Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha. (That would make this Royal Family thing so much more interesting.)

• You don't see Prince Harry with a lot of women. I think it would be cool if he were a transexual. That way he could be the very first Queen Prince.

• Cleaning up after your dog is much simpler if you teach them to poop right on the shovel.

• Now you don't even have to go to New Orleans to experience Mardi Gras. Just send a pic of your boobs and receive a pic of some beads at the Virtual Mardi Gras.

• Now this is punny.

Gispert Toro an amazing smoke for less than three bucks delivered - cigar review

2011-04-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

Many of you may already be aware of his Gispert cigars, but until recently, I was not. That's the beauty of cigar smoking: discovering a new cigar and finding the time to savor and judge it.

The half dozen cigar shops that I frequent locally do not carry Gispert. One afternoon, in downtown Detroit, I was trying to decide which of the two best coney islands in the world (Lafayette and American) I noticed a small cigar shop right next door. I went in specifically to treat myself to a Romeo y Julieta something. Much to my dismay, they had none. Odd. Most tobacconists carry Romeo y Julieta since they are a well known name, a damned good cigar and a frequent choice of infrequent cigar smokers.

After informing the seemingly knowledgeable owner of my dilemma, he recommended a Gispert, saying that it was manufactured in the same factory as Romeo. I purchased one toro stick for about 6 dollars and change (what I was hoping to spend on a Romeo).

Removing it from its wrapper I found a very firm, expertly constructed, hand made cigar. The end was flatter than most cigars making it perfect for plugging. If your a cutter this is a moot point. Upon flaming and turning I found a perfect draw and a rich, creamy, mild to medium-bodied smoke with a hint of nutty pepper (there did I cover everything?). The draw was very smooth with an ample amount of smoke. The ash was impressively consistent, and much firmer than you'd expect from a cigar in this price range.
I returned to buy two more to put in my humidor for an occasion where I could sit, enjoy and reflect on my feelings about this cigar. After the second smoke, I knew I had to get more and went online to research purchasing a box.

A little research showed that these cigars have had a stellar reputation in Cuba since before 1950 and currently use a fine blend of Nicaraguan and Honduran tobaccos, a natural wrapper and measure a 50 ring by 6 inches. Perfect, if you aske me. Although they are a bit milder than my normal preference, the flavor and volume of smoke make my hand gravitate toward them when I open my humidor.

In this econonmy, I knew that my first purchase would be with the tobacconist with the lowest total price that I could find. The winner: Famous Smoke Shop. They came in at just under $70 for a box of 25, including shipping. That's a mere $2.80 per stick. Almost within my "everyday cigar" range. Maybe I'll just up my cigar price daily limit a little and give up something else. Like dinner.

Oliva Serie G Corona cigar review - being square ain't so bad!

2011-04-13T09:25:00.000-07:00

I've been a fan of Oliva cigars for quite some time. In fact, a few years back, after reviewing the Oliva bundled Robustos, Jose Oliva sent me a bundle of the cigars I reviewed, plus a box of their (at the time) new, premium box-pressed cigars. Of course I knew what to expect from the bundled cigar (still a great smoke for the money), but was really pleased with every aspect of the box-pressed sticks.

So, last week while visiting the Cigar Factory Outlet in Troy, Michigan for the very first time (more on this later), I decided to purchase an Oliva G Serie cigar. I chose a Corona, box-pressed, African Camaroon wrapped delight, with Nicaraguan Habano longfillers and binders.

Spicy, peppery. A bit oily. Even after allowing it to extinquish, it recovered nicely upon relighting and quickly returned back to it's near perfect full-bodied, smoke-filled draw. (This smoke is mostly referred to as a medium-bodied, but I found it to be a bit to the right of medium.)

Nice even burn. Reasonably smooth, firm ash. Excellently constructed.

The most remarkable aspect of this smoke for me was the fact that remained consistent down to the way-too-small-to-be-smoking size. If it starts getting too short to hold, but it hasn't gotten bitter, I may go searching through my vintage seventies stuff to find a roach clip to finish off this fine cigar.

They can be found online at about $100 for a box of 25, or you can probably get individual sticks at a local tobacconist in the six to eight dollar range.

As always, comments welcomed.

Please check out my other sites:

http://www.hookedondroid.com/

http://www.clickoncomedy.com/

http://www.dirtyjokeshow.com/

http://www.cellphonerealitytv.com/

http://www.interactivelunacy.com/

...or not. :)

Cigar ponderings and smoking tips - Charlie Sheen, blowing your cigar, legal separation

2011-03-07T05:06:00.000-08:00

Should we, the cigar smoking community, hope that Charlie Sheen is never photographed with a cigar again? Or might it be a good thing?
The first tip you should give to a novice cigar smoker: never smoke a cigar with a tip.
If you blow into your cigar prior to letting it go out or putting it in a snuffer, it will have a much less bitter taste when re-lit.
If you really want your cigars to smoke as they were intended, make sure you keep different brands separated (either with cedar separators or separate humidors).
Should you remove the band from a cigar when smoking? Depends where you live. In England, leaving the band on is an indication of rude arrogance (showing off the expensive cigar you're smoking, I imagine). In my case (since I notoriously smoke quality but inexpensive cigars as my everyday smokes), I try to carefully remove the wrapper so you don't know what the hell I'm smoking. However, to not risk damaging the cigar, it is best to leave the band in tact until the coal gets close to the paper. At this time, the glue holding the band together heats up and is easily removed without damaging the cigar.
I try to handle anti-cigar smoking people with dignity and mature, calm discussion. But, fact is, they're poo poo heads.

Please check out my other sites:

http://www.hookedondroid.com/
http://www.interactivelunacy.com/
http://www.clickoncomedy.com/
http://www.dirtyjokeshow.com/
http://www.cellphonerealitytv.com/

Macanudo departs from mild with the 1968 cigar line - and I like it!

2011-03-04T10:45:00.000-08:00

The Macanudo line of cigars is probably the go-to cigar for the occasional cigar smoker. Everyone knows the brand. Always well constructed. Consistent, even burn. But, they're generally milder than what I prefer.

I recently received a 3 cigar variety pack of Macanudo robustos as a gift. I chose to smoke the Macanudo1968 first because I don't think I've ever had one and it looked a little meaner than your average Macanudo stick.

As you can see the photo, I didn't have optimal smoking conditions. I was banished to the cold and wind to try to enjoy my smoke. Damn people who don't understand or appreciate the all natural aroma of a finely built cigar.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover a medium bodied, rich flavor. The draw was consistent in spite of the wind, and the wrapper stayed in tact and never unravelled.

The 1968 does have a distinctive, tasty bitterness that you will probably either love or hate, but I liked it. Perhaps primarily because it was such a departure from my Macanudo expectations. And the second half was a bit hot, but then again, I was a bit cold and may have been rushing things.

So it seems that Macanudo is trying to expand from the mild blends into darker and richer products. And, even though I don't usually like to spend eight bucks on one cigar, I will make sure I have a couple of these available in my humidor.

The Macanudo 1968 line is available in a variety of sizes from a Churchill to a 60 ring Gigante.

Wrapper: Honduran San Agustin Havana Seed
Filler: Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, Ometepe
Size: Robusto (5 x 50)
Strength: Medium

Please check out my other sites:

http://www.hookedondroid.com/
http://www.clickoncomedy.com/
http://www.interactivelunacy.com/
http://www.dirtyjokeshow.com/
http://www.cellphonerealitytv.com/

Cigar accessory review: push button cigar puncher

2011-02-16T09:35:00.000-08:00

I believe that cigar smokers are the easiest people in the world to buy gifts for. Of course you can always buy me an expensive cigar, which will be greatly appreciated, but there are so many other things that are welcomed by tobacco stick suckers.

How about a nice bottle of Scotch (single malt or a good blend)? A new lighter perhaps (not a Bic)? Or, one of those clippy things to put your cigar on while golfing? A new humidor? Cigar cases? Cutters? Okay, maybe even some breath freshener. We're so easy.

I bought myself a cigar accessory gift a couple of weeks ago. More out of necessity than anything else. My two-piece pocket cigar puncher wouldn't properly snap closed, so it would come apart in my pocket, leaving the razor plugging end exposed and available to create holes in my pants.

I do own a few cutters, but prefer the cigar punchers for most cigars except torpedos. I have a cutter attached to my humidor, a bullet in my car (44 Magnum...most powerful cigar cutter in the world...), but I MUST carry one in my pocket so I'm always ready for the next cigar experience.

So, while at the cigar store stocking up on my bundle of Quorum's, I decided to blow a whole extra dollar and get the pop-out cigar punch with the push-button ejector ($5.95). So far, I love this little thing. Just make sure you keep your fingers away from the retracting button while you're doing the actual plugging. Watch the video demo below and then order your very own retractable cigar punch here:

http://www.clickoncomedy.com/

The winner of the 2010 Really Good Cheap Cigar Award is...

2010-12-28T05:22:00.000-08:00

The winner of the very prestigious Really Good Cheap Cigar Award for 2010 is...a really good cheap cigar. But first, a little about the Really Good Cheap Cigar Award. This coveted award first came into the public eye, um, now. This is the first annual (if I decide to do it again next year) award presentation and I am the sole rule-maker and judge. The results are totally insignificant because I do not have the budget to try all that many cigars on an annual basis. I just smoke what I run across or what is recommended to me by friends and trusted tobacconists who know what I like. And that I don't have a lot of money.

On the other hand, by selecting the Quorum Corona, you're going to think I actually know what I'm talking about.

I hesitate to tell the world about this cigar, because some of you who have never tried one will seek them out and probably love them and then buy them regularly. Ten years ago, I wrote a review of the Flor de Oliva Robusto because it was an amazingly consistent, flavorful cigar for a remarkable price. I received a thank you email from Jose Oliva and he sent me some cigars. Very nice.

Then the price went up. I still buy them. I still love them. They are still very reasonably priced. And I'm pretty sure the 13 people who read my review didn't cause a spike in their sales, but I'm just sayin'. I hope the Quorum doesn't take a quantum leap.

Anyway, the Quorum Corona Naturals (and probably their other sizes as well) are almost in a league of their own. Hand rolled, long Nicaraguan filler and binder, an Ecuador-Sumatra wrapper creating a consistent burn and a smooth but rather rich, medium bodied flavor. WTF? How can you beat that? I puchase them at a local tobacconist for about $27 for a bundle of 20. I see them online priced anywhere from $29 to $40. I'm certainly not going to tell my local guy that he's cheaper than the internet. :)

On a scale of one to ten, and not just for budget cigars, I'd give the Quorum a solid 8.997488. Again, because I can.

So, the hands-down winner of the 2010 Really Good Cheap Cigar Award is the Quorum Corona Natural. Now, hopefully the manufacturers will send me some freebies.

Cigar smoking tips and bits of advice I've learned over the years. Are they all true? Who knows?

2010-11-11T05:56:00.000-08:00

I've been smoking cigars for many years and have visited hundreds of humidors across the continent. In my travels I have met many other cigar smokers and we often share little tips (some of which are probably total B.S.). Here are a few of the things I've learned:

Don't lick or moisten your entire cigar. If it needs more moisture it probably isn't humidified properly.
As you light your cigar, slowly rotate it over the very top of the flame without drawing. Then when the outer edge is darkened and slightly singed, begin drawing as you continue rotating.
Never flick your ash off (hee hee, he said "flick your ash off"). If you must remove the ash, gently rub the ash on the rim of your ashtray or elsewhere.
Don't use Zippo or Bic lighters to light a cigar. The flame gets crazy and flickers all over the place giving you an uneven light and burn.
Don't buy expensive Colibri lighters. They are way too sensitive and a pain in the ass to mail back for repair/replacement. I currently have about $250 worth of useless Colibris.
Do buy the much cheaper Firebird lighters (distributed by Colibri, but I don't think they make them). The also have SST torches (or something similar) for precise lighting and seem to last MUCH longer than more expensive lighters.
Do not put cigars in the freezer. Seems like a no-brainer but I have run across many who have done this.
As much as you may love cigars, never eat one.

Okay, I'm obviously running out of actual tips. If you have others, please send them for me to share here and on Twitter.

http://twitter.com/cigarponderings

Candidates should go after the criminal vote

2010-10-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

They say that more than 80 percent of the American adult population has committed a serious crime in their life, even though they may not have been caught. So, I was wondering why politicians don't actively go after the criminal vote. With a promise to go easy on crime, you may just get a reasonable percentage of those voters. These clever politicians could instill fear into the masses with speeches about how you may not have been busted yet...but you will be. "And who's gonna be there for you? Certainly not the 'lock em up and throw away the key' candidate."

The debates would be very entertaining. "My opponent is easy on crime." And the response? "Yep." Next question.

They could have a platform which promises to go easy on deadbeat dads...and the moms who kill them.

It is believed that most career criminals do not currently vote at all. This would give them incentive to get out to the polls, thus increasing the number of registered voters. Generally considered a good thing.

And the possibilities for campaign slogans are endless:

"Do the crime, not the time."

"Go on a spree, I'll set you free."

"Smoke a joint. Don't be sent to one."

I think I may be onto something here.

Grass cutting cigar competition - La Finca vs. Tambor Dominicano review

2010-10-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

I don't know about you, but if I'm not going to be able to sit and fondle, admire and enjoy a cigar, with a nice glass of scotch and very little risk of anyone interrupting my almost zen-like smoking experience, then I'd rather not smoke a really good cigar. Okay, if I could afford it I'd probably always smoke a more expensive stick, but that ain't the case.

So, last weekend, when I was going to be out working in the yard and cutting the grass, I chose two inexpensive cigars to stick in my mouth and puff away as I tackle my chores. So I'm clear, I didn't stick them both in my mouth at the same time. I smoked one. Then the other. Let's get ready to mumble!

As I often mention, I like a cigar that will take a biting and keep on lighting. But, ideally, with a minute or two break between puffs, a reasonably decent cigar should remain lit and take only a little coaxing to deliver a full smoke-filled kick.

I started my lawn cutting chores last weekend with a La Finca Cazadore (45 ring x 6.5 inches). I recently purchased a bundle of these cigars when I re-posted my review of them. This time, I was rather disappointed in the unravellability (yes, I make up my own words) of the outer wrapper. This was especially true if you didn't smoke the cigar in one session and put it in a cigar-saver to re-light later. They get quite dry and the wrapper becomes brittle and peels off. A real pain and it greatly increases your risk for burning a shirt.

However, when lit and smoked end to end, it held up quite well. Although the ash isn't smooth and pretty, it burned evenly and didn't require any re-lighting. Smooth it ain't. Spicy? A bit. Full bodied. Decent grass cutting smoke.

Upon completing the lawn and the La Finca, I took a short break and started faze two: weed whacking, edging, blowing and smoking a Tambor Dominicano Churchill Maduro (50 ring x 7 inches). These cigars have a nicer visual first impression than the La Fincas, but they're actually a bit less expensive. You can find them for less than 25 bucks for a bundle of 25. Yay! A buck a stick.

But.....they kinda suck. I bought a bundle about six months ago, and only smoke them when all of my other options are gone. I probably hadn't smoked one in the past three or four months, so I'm thinking that the fact that the smoking experience wasn't all that bad this time may be a result of keeping them properly humidified for that period of time.

As I recall, my biggest complaint with these cigars is that they do not burn evenly. And I hate when a cigar burns down the middle, which they do all to often. I'm thinking it's poorly rolled filler with no long leaf running the length of the cigar.

This particular stick started as they always seem to...rough. Once the ash reached about an inch, it was only half an inch on the other side. But, somehow, without coaxing it recovered and burned evenly the rest of the way. Not bad. Good draw. Decent outdoor nose burn. Medium strength. Kinda spicy I think, but I have a real difficult time identifying spicy unless it involves habaneros.

So, which was better? I'd have to give my vote to the La Finca. But, weather permitting, there may be a re-match this weekend.

JM's Dominican handmade corona earns everyday cigar vote

2010-09-27T06:29:00.001-07:00

In my continuing search for great inexpensive cigars, I ran across the JM brand in my most frequently visited party store. I know, I know, I always say to NEVER buy a cigar from someplace that also sells porn and Tiparillos, but I mentored the store owners and at least knew that they were attempting to properly humidify their stock.

They had a small humidor (perhaps 100 cigars) and had a small quantity of about four or five brands. One day, a couple of years back, I overpaid them for a Don Tomas out of desperation. It almost fell apart as soon as I removed it from the wrapper.

I immediately went back into the store and voiced my concern. One of the owners apologized profusely and said I could just take another cigar. No way. What would be the point of that? Unless you give me your entire stock and let me try to revive them to smokability, then I don't want another cigar out of this humidor in the condition that it and its contents are in.

So, I took a pint of vodka instead.

In the course of our conversation, I recommended some specific cigars that they might carry and suggested that they actually use the dried out humidification system they had in the in the humidor. I think they thought that you put a little water in it once and you're good for, say, two or three decades.

Over the course of the next couple of months we had many discussions and I even recommended where they might purchase some decent cigars that they could sell for a reasonable price and make a decent profit.

Last week, I stopped in the store and noticed that their humidor was decently stocked and the humidification system looked recently attended to.

One of the cigars they were offering was JM's Dominican Corona. Through the wrapper it looked like a decently constructed stick. The corona measures 5 1/2 by 42 and boasts a Sumatra shade wrapper with Cuban seed, long filler tobacco. Handmade in the Dominican Republic.

The party store was selling them for $2.99. Through intense interrogation, he told me how much he actually paid for them and I haggled him down to two bucks in return for all of my free consulting work.

Upon removing the cigar from its cellophane wrapper, I discovered that the cigar was already punched. Odd. Did someone lick it (like I do) before using a cigar punch on it? I'm going to look into to how and why they do this. I'll let you know if I find anything out.

Anyway, back to the smoke. I was slightly surprised by the smoothness of not only the cigar (medium bodied), but also the smoothness of the ash.

Unfortunately, because of the locations where I most often smoke cigars (car, garage, yard in mild wind), I don't get to test the ash to any recordable length. On this occasion however, I did have the get to let it grow to nearly an inch and was pleasantly surprised by its texture.

The strength maintained throughout without getting too bitter at the end and it has a bit of a creamy taste. Not pasty creamy, but pretty tasty creamy. The nostril sensation, when you allow your face to be enveloped in a cloud of smoke, was nicely stimulating.

These cigars can be found online for as little as $1.25 each in boxes of 50 making them a very suitable candidate for an everyday cigar.

My rating is 87. What does that mean? I dunno. But it sounded about right. :)

You know it's not the right place to buy a cigar when....

2010-09-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

Unless you're really desperate, here are some tips on where not to buy cigars.

Do not buy a cigar from an establishment if:

They also sell porn.

They even stock Tiparillos and those little R.G. Dun flavored cigars.

You inquire about a "cameroon" and are taken to the cookie section.

They're crushing up White Owls and smoking them out of a hookah.

Follow on Twitter at http://twitter.com/cigarponderings

Does anyone at your local cigar store know anything about cigars?

2010-09-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

I think we all know that the best place to buy cigars and get a great deal is on the internet. There are literally hundreds of places to find cigars, and many of them have exceptionally good prices even considering the additional charges for shipping.

But dammit, there's nothing quite like meandering around a walk-in humidor and exploring new or forgotten smoking options.

One of the big problems finding a local tobacconist is that a lot of these little mom and pop cigar shops only have a humidor to supplement their income from selling hookahs and cigarettes and there probably isn't anyone there who knows the first thing about cigars.

I stop by five or six different establishments from time to time, and have come to know what they carry which fits my taste and budget. But sometimes it's frustrating when you're looking for a recommendation for a new smoking experience. If the proprietor or employee isn't a cigar smoker, they're probably going to recommend a cigar that isn't moving or what the salesman told them is a big profit item.

One cigar shop which I used to frequent hired a kid in his early 20s to man the store. When I walked into the humidor it was at least 80 degrees and the humidity was well over 85%. I asked "the kid" why the humidor was set so high and he informed me that when it's set that high it keeps the cigars moist (aka: wet) and they are perfect to smoke an hour after purchasing. What???

I asked him if there was any extra charge for the cigar beetles obviously hatching and destroying the cigars.

On another occasion, I stopped in a tobacconist and noticed that the machine-rolled robusto rejects were priced at $5 a stick. When I asked why they were so expensive, I was told that they use very high quality tobacco to create these cigars. Again, WHAT??? These were the same cigars that you can buy anywhere for a buck and a half (not that you ever should).

First rule: unless it's an emergency, never buy a cigar from a place that has their humidor on the counter (probably without a humidification system or hygrometer). Second rule: if you're new to the store, ask the proprietor for a recommendation of a six dollar, medium bodied cigar and see what they come up with. It's usually immediately clear if they have a clue.

I'm lucky enough to live close to two excellent sources of cigars, Smokers Only in Eastpointe, Michigan and probably the second best cigar store on the planet, JR Cigars in Southfield, Michigan (the first best being their original store in South Carolina).

Please email me your cigar store recommendations, locations and horror stories to cigarbizarre@gmail.com

Brutally random cigar thought and cigar euphemisms for taking a dump

2010-09-13T05:08:00.000-07:00

Color blindness defies cigar wrappers

One out of every two times (that's almost 50%) I try to wear a pair of black pants, I end up with dark blue ones instead. I even go so far as to hold the pants up to a bright light bulb and take the pants into different rooms to verify their blackness.

Then, sure enough, when I get to an office building with florescent lighting, the goddam things are blue. Obviously blue. Doesn't-go-with-the shirt-and-tie blue.

On the other hand, my eye has no trouble distinguishing a Dominican Sumatra cigar wrapper from an Ecuadorian Connecticut wrapper.

I'm just sayin.'

Cigar Euphemisms for Taking a Dump

Here's just a few. You got any?

Pinching a Partaga

Dropping a Dominican

Clipping a Corona

Making a Macanudo

Ripping a Robusto

Churning a Churchill

Flinging a Fuente

Heavin' a Havana

Flor de Oliva bundles bury bigger budget butts

2010-09-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have loved Oliva Cigars since I first gently bit into and lit one many years ago. And I always said that their cigars (expecially their bundled maduros, in my opinion) we worth considerably more than they were charging for them. So, I guess I shouldn't complain that their prices over the years have increased to be in line with the quality of these fine Nicaraguans.

The Maduro robusto bundles feature a medium to full-bodied cigar (5 x 50) with all Nicaraguan long filler. Sweet? Kind of. Nutty? A bit. Great taste and burn for a cigar costing much less than comparable quality cigars? Absolutely!

Although the price increase over the years has kept it from being my everyday smoke, I still pop for a bundle every now and then and make it my number one in-between cigar.

Part of my criteria for judging a cigar is how well it handles re-lighting (a reality in all of our lives since finding the opportunity to smoke an entire cigar is rare) and the Oliva bundle cigars can take a biting and keep on lighting. The Oliva bundled cigars are all long-filler, expertly hand-rolled and create a sturdy ash that compares to much more expensive sticks.

You will still find them online for about $35.00 for the natural and $50.00 for the maduro in bundles of 20. I'm quite certain they used to always come in bundles of 25, further inflating the price. But still an amazing deal.

I first discovered Flor de Oliva cigars probably 12 or 15 years ago. At that time I had some Cigar Pages on one of my comedy web sites. Those pages are still there, even though they're quite outdated. Feel free to visit them and send me insulting emails about how lame they are.

Back then, I did a review of the Oliva bundles which was ultimately found and read by Jose Oliva, of the Oliva family. He contacted me, thanked me for the positive review and proceeded to send me a bundle of the robustos and a box of their new (at the time) box-pressed cigars. A very nice and appreciated gesture. Now, if I could only get all of the other cigar manufacturers to do the same, I could save a big pile of money and take care of some of the other "necessities" in my life.

I keep telling the kids that the powdered milk is going to taste a lot better once Daddy gets the water turned back on. But look at that ash. :)

Based on taste, burn and price, these cigars get 8 out of 10 smoke rings.

La Finca Cazadore - Does it pass the initial inexpensive cigar test?

2010-09-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

Aside from showering and brushing my teeth, there are very few things that I do everyday. I don't watch television every day, I don't eat breakfast every day, I don't have sex every day (at least not that anyone else knows about). But one thing I do do every day is smoke a cigar.

Of course, I'd love to smoke a Cohiba or Romeo y Julieta every day, but hey, I'm just a dime-a-dozen, cheap, two-bit stand up comic with three kids and grown-up responsibilities.

A while back, I went into one of my local tobacconists to purchase a bundle of Flor de Olivas when I noticed that they now carried La Fincas in bundles. I know I've smoked this Nicaraguan before, and my recollection was that I liked it. So, I put back the Flor de Oliva's and bought a bundle of La Finca Cazadore's at only $19.95 for a bundle of 25. Wow! What a great way to fill out the empty space in your humidor.

The Cazadore's are a 45 ring x 6.5 inch cigar, pretty full bodied with an almost creamy taste. I fired it up in my garage (more on good places to smoke later). The first time I smoke a new brand I like to make sure I'm in a wind-free environment. After ingniting the stick I took a big draw and created a cloud directly in front of my face. Not bad for an all-filler cigar.

The La Finca definately passed my initial test. I liked the strength and lack of bitterness. It may be a bit too strong for those of you who like a mild or medium-bodied cigar, but it you like to combine smoothness with a bit of a nose membrane burn, you'll love these reasonably priced cigars.

Welcome to the cigar blog for REAL cigar smokers

2010-09-02T12:55:00.000-07:00

I love a good cigar. Unfortunately, the cigars I enjoy most are way out of my price range. Let's face it, Cigar Aficionado magazine is out of my price range. You can imagine how annoyed they get at my local tobacconist when I stand there reading the latest issue cover to cover while smoking my $1.19 robusto reject.

Fact is, Cigar Aficionado and other elitist cigar publications aren't directed at the average cigar smoker. With the phenomenal popularity of lighting up a decent Dominican or a nice Nicaraguan, it's the basic Joe and Joanne who are frequenting the countless tobacco shops that are popping up on street corners and in strip malls everywhere.

I'd love to smoke a $30 cigar while sipping on a snifter full of $90 single malt scotch. But, in the meantime, I'll continue my quest for a decent $2 smoke while drinking my Lauder's on the rocks.

So, Welcome to the cigar blog for the rest of us. Please feel free to email me your thoughts and discoveries. And check back often. I will be reviewing cigars, accessories, publications and whatever the hell I feel like.