Friday, December 30, 2011

Funny Fotos I Found or Phunny Photos I Phound

There's nothing like a funny photo. It takes no work to look at it, and you immediately know whether it's funny or not. For some reason funny photos or images seem to be less subjective than jokes. Here's a few I love. You can find more at the Interactive Lunacy web site.

Maybe Rick Perry should just learn to keep his mouth shut.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Farts, air biscuits, trouser coughs or whatever you call them..we all do lighten up.

It always amazes me when people get indignant, insulted or even offended when some cuts a fart. Come on! We all do it. (Even Whoopi Goldberg on the View.)
Find me one person who has never let one loose inappropriately and I'll show you a goddam liar. It happens to everyone. Whether it's a loud expression of flatulatory release, or a classic "silent but deadly" one-cheek-sneak that you never even have to claim, it happens to all of us.
Don't be offended, people. Farting around close friends and family members can actually help you bond and become closer. Being able to share such an intimate and olfactorily offensive activity shows a real trust and love. If someone shares their fart with you, relish it. Be thankful that this person feels so comfortable with you that they will actually bring attention to the occurrence and share it with you.
Okay, there probably isn't anyone who actually enjoys when someone shares their flatulence, but maybe you feel comfortable enough with the other person to share it as a method of semi-cruel practical jokedness. These situations are always great fun and a wonderful story to tell for years to come. One time, when I used to work in a sales office, one of the other sales consultants (I'll call him Drake...because that was his name), was in the showroom with a customer. I could see that the conversation was leading to Drake inviting the gentleman into his office for further discussion and to close the deal. Because I was just about ready to release an air biscuit, I took the opportunity to rush into Drake's office and release it there, before he arrived with his customer. Comedy gold!
Sometimes, you can show someone how much you care for them by directing them away from the trouser cough. On one occasion (okay, many occasions), while grocery shopping with my wife, we separated to different aisles to locate items on our grocery list. When she returned to my aisle and began approaching me, I quickly moved toward her and said, "You might not want to go down this aisle right at this moment." How loving is that?
So, before you point the finger at someone for farting, make sure you don't linger...or they may just pull it.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

What would you rather forget, your cell phone or your cigar saver?

For me, one of the most important cigar accessories is the cigar saver . It's really nothing more than a plastic tube with a hinged lid on it. You can take a lit cigar, drop it down the tube where it will be immediately extinguished, and then pull it out later to re-light and enjoy.

Even though I'm neurotically attached to my Android device, I would rather forget my phone than my cigar saver. Since it is a very rare occasion that I can enjoy an entire cigar in one sitting, the cigar saver affords me the ability to step out, enjoy part of a cigar and save the rest for later.

The only drawback to using a cigar saver is that when you place a fully lit cigar into it, the lighted end turns into a hard charcoal-like nub, making it a bit difficult to re-light. I don't recommend this with a really expensive cigar, but with my Quorum's I have developed a nearly flawless method of flicking off the hard nub much in the same manner that you would flick a booger. (Oh come on, you know you do it.)

Another tip if you plan to purchase a cigar saver: before you drop your lit cigar down the tube (lighted end down), take a reverse puff. Blow "through" the cigar forcing the smoke out the lighted end. This will get the stale smoke out of the cigar and will taste much better upon re-lighting.

Friday, November 4, 2011

So, it's like this...brief ponderings about being punctilious, tolerating intolerance and more

So, it's like this....

• I like Fiber One bars. A lot. Excuse me, I'll be right back.

• One of my many faults: I'm quite intolerant of intolerance.

• I never see an occasion where I would want to write anything on my Rice Krispie Treat wrapper. They have left a big white area so that you can write a cute message or something on the front of your treat. I think it was just some lazy-ass graphic artist who said, "Hey, let's just leave a bunch of white space on the front." Even if I did want to add a message to my snack, that's what Post-It notes are for.

• I've been promoting my freelance marketing, advertising, public relations and graphic design work by saying that I'm a Punctilious Marketing Specialist. Now, I'm just trying to figure out a way to get paid by for all of the people I'm sending their way to look up punctilious.

• I went to the Fortune Telling Bingo page and my fortune was: "You will repeatedly spank sticky, soggy panties." I don't know what that means, but I'm pretty sure I'd be happy to do it.

What's your BINGO fortune?

fortune telling bingo online fortune teller free psychic spoof satire parody mind reading future

Okay, as you were...only better.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Blame it on Cain, crappy coffee concerns and wacky interactive fortune teller

Writing comedy for Herman Cain
I wish I had been a speech writing consultant for Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain at last night's West Coast, Las Vegas Republican Debate. When they asked each of the candidates to briefly explain their differences from President Obama I would have advised him to say, "Frankly, it's black and white. No wait, not exactly..." and then go on with his point.

Coffee dilemmas
I'm working in an office building in downtown Detroit. The coffee is provided by the employer. It's not great coffee. It's brewed in one of those giant, three-burner, industrial Bunsen-like coffee machines. The machine has been there (without any internal cleaning that I know of) for at least five years. This makes it hard to determine whether the coffee tastes like it does because of the ground coffee or the maker. I think both.

Then to make matters worse, the plastic/aluminim, welded-shut, single-pot envelope which contains the coffee is supposed to have a little slit on the side for easy tearing and dumping into the filter basket. About 80% of the little envelopes have no little slit, forcing you to pursue alternative methods of openage. The simplest and most obvious would be to walk back to my desk, get a pair of scissors and return to cut the bag. Or better yet, just bring the bag with me to my desk (it's not that heavy), cut it and return to the coffee making area. But that would be wasting 70 steps that I can use later to move toward a location I'd rather be heading toward.

The only other option is to attempt to pull each side open, separating the sides which have been very carefully crazy-glued together so that when you do finally get them to snap apart the coffee grounds go flying everywhere.

This is a lot of work for a bad cup of coffee.

Of course, I'm pretty spoiled because at home I use the Keurig B60 Special Edition Gourmet Single-Cup Home-Brewing System  

Looking for stupid fun?
Of course you are. Take a look at this clever, funny lunatic who created an interactive, online fortune telling video.

Peace on you all.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Two favorite REAL funny photos - Exit before Tweeting and Serving Size one bite

Not much need be said about these two great photos. If you really want one of the Exit Before Tweeting signs you can order from Shark Robot.

Hey look! Only 80 calories! But check out the Serving Size.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Creepy or cool? QR codes on tombstones; Homer Simpson in the flesh photo

Is this creepy or cool?

Is this creepy or cool? In Japan, they are putting QR codes on tombstones at cemeteries. That way, visitors to the grave can scan the code with their Smartphone and see a picture of the deceased, read a eulogy or even watch a video. I'd make a video before I died of me inside of a coffin, still alive, pounding to get out. And I'd make sure there was a shovel nearby.

Homer in the flesh. Is this disgusting or hilarious?

I'm thinking both.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Let me tell you what I think about the cost of homes, lighting cigars, whether Google makes you stupid and let's rethink ink

Random thoughts from a dime-a-dozen, cheap, two-bit stand-up comic:

The "Fuck the Public" Effect

How is it that the cost of homes are low and everything else is high?  I believe it's the "fuck the public" effect. Whichever way screws over the general population is how it will go. Since people own homes, the value is so low that they can't sell them. But if they need to buy something that they do not yet own, it's outrageously expensive.

Maybe it's me!

I know I've probably given a not-so-great review to a cigar or two because i didn't take care in lighting it. Then, I complained that it didn't burn right. My bad.

I've noticed that if I'm outside in even a very mild breeze, that my cigars do not burn nearly as well as if I fire them up in my garage before stepping into the breeze.

For the best light us SST lighters, rotate above the flame without puffing, then finally, slow steady draws as you continue rotating. If you get a cigar lit properly and then it burns poorly, now that's an issue.

People just don't think any more?

I disagree with those who say that Google is making people stupid by giving them such easy access to so much information. Game show superstar Ken Jennings said in the recent Time Magazine interview that he's worried there's less value placed on broad general knowledge because Google is so readily available.

I think the opposite is true. People will now research and learn about things that they never would have before because the knowledge is right there at their fingertips. Thus, making them smarter methinks.

So, shut up Mr. Jeopardy Smartie Pants.

Does ink stink?

I think the fact that many characters in movies who happen to have the same tattoos as the actors playing them doesn't work most of the time. If you know you're going to be pretending to be someone else and there's a chance you may take your clothes off, you might want to think twice before having a giant picture of your mate tatooed to your ass.

How to impress strangers or maybe humiliate them for fun
If you're going out to dinner with someone you don't know very well, or worse yet someone you don't like very much, it's a good idea to do a little preparation so that you have something to talk about.

For instance, if you know they're into sports, check out the sports headlines and read a couple of articles. It may also be a good idea to spend a half hour browsing the Yahoo News web page. That way you'll know a little bit about everything and will be able to chime in on most any topical conversation. The economy, world news, pop culture, gossip.

And if, by chance, they don't bring up any of these topics, you can do it and maybe make them look stupid which, when you really don't like someone, is always fun.

Rock, Paper, Scissors online

Even though I thnk it's really cool that there is an online version of Rock, Paper, Scissors, I think it's weird that the New York times is the one who created it.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Is Piers Morgan just playing the role of a$$hole on America's Got Talent?

To paraphrase Frank Zappa's line about young people and music: "America's Got Talent" judge Piers Morgan wouldn't know talent if it bit him in the ass. I know that  they say that he's just "playing the role" of the mean guy on the American version of the show, but I wouldn't risk having the whole world view me as an asshole just for the gig. Okay, yes I would. But, still.

His inability to see the humor of the only two actual comedians on the show (J. Chris Newburg and Geechy Guy) should be indication enough that he has no business sitting in the judges chair. The other judges liked them. The audience was howling with laughter. And Piers had the audacity to tell Geechy Guy that his jokes were like getting hit in the head with a hammer. Maybe actually getting hit in the head with a hammer would knock some sense into him.

I'm sure there are some defenders of his opinions. Every once in a while I even agree with him. But his arrogant, ill-informed opinions have repeatedly shown that he just doesn't know what the hell he is talking about.

Take for instance when singer Taylor Davis made his final appearance on August 2nd, Piers criticized him saying that he was singing off-key. He was not singing off key. That was verified by people who actually can tell if someone is singing off key. Can't judge humor. Can't judge singers. And why is he there?

Oh, maybe because he can judge novelty, dance and danger acts? Nope. He sucks at that as well.

In the past two weekly opportunities to put through either the number four or number five most voted-for contestants he showed his incredible ineptness again. Last week, he chose Professor Splash (the guy who dives into a small pool of water) as the one to move on to the next round. Piers stated that he put him through because he thought he had the best chance to have a great show in Vegas. Really? REALLY? This is the same guy who, after his last dive, had to be taken to the hospital to be checked out and his body was covered in bruises. And Piers thinks that he can do this multiple times per day in Vegas? What are they going to do, add a hospital wing onto the casino?

Then, last night (August 3rd), Piers had to decide between comedian/impressionist Melissa Villasenor and juggler Charles Peachock. Although Melissa had a very good first set in the early going, it was pretty clear that she was new to the business and doesn't really have all that much material. Her first set included impressions of Kathy Griffin Miley Cyrus and they were spot on, but she even indicated that she's pretty much an open miker and I suspected that her first spot exhausted her best material. She proved me right with her last appearance which didn't have a lick of comedy in it, and the impressions were only okay at best.

But, back to Piers Morgan. To further point out that he really doesn't have a clue, he mildly admonished Melissa by pointing out that she was much better in the Vegas round. She wasn't even in Vegas. She was put right through to the Hollywood round. Oops. Hey Piers, was that your Paula Abduhl impression?

So again, it came down to Piers deciding between Melissa and Charles as to who gets to move on (with one vote each from Howie Mandel and Sharon Osbourne). Instead of choosing the act who has exhibited three separate and somewhat amazing juggling spectacles which looked very much like a Vegas act, he chose the one with very little experience and even less material.

Please, NBC, get this dufus off the show. Let him go back to CNN and his other show, where he exhibits that he's almost as bad an interviewer as he is a judge.

Sorry, Piers, but you know what they say: Judge not, lest ye be judged.

So, here's what I think you should do: Go to the NBC Wild Card page and click on Geechy Guy to return to the show. He has "so many jokes it's not even funny" and would bring actual comedy back to AGT.

Geechy Guy tells jokes. Piers Morgan is one.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Bad joke translations funnier than the jokes - really funny jokes

Sometimes the funniest things aren't intended to be funny. In this case, they're intended to be funny, yet they are mostly  funny in a totally different manner than intended.

As you may know, I have a number of web sites (Click On Comedy, Interactive Lunacy, Cell Phone Reality TV, Dirty Joke Show), most of them just an outlet for my desire to share the stupid shit I think of or discover. Okay, they are also a way to generate a little extra money with advertising revenue and additional comedy gigs.

So, as part of my webmaster duties, I research other websites (aka: competitors) to see how their sites are doing, how my relevant keywords compare to theirs and blah, blah, blah. On this occasion I was comparing other sites to a joke page I created which contained a few hand-picked jokes directly from "The Dirty Joke Show" starring Geechy Guy and appearing nightly at Hooters Casino in Las Vegas (plug, plug). 

While researching the keywords "funny jokes" I came across a web site that came up very high in the rankings even though the content didn't actually qualify as "really funny jokes."

I don't know any of this to be true, but I believe that the owner of this site is in another country, let's say Indonesia. And he/she has taken funny Indonesian jokes and translated them to English. These "really funny jokes" were then posted on their web site and promoted as a "really funny jokes" page. (Notice how I keep repeating "really funny jokes?" That's so when others are searching for "really funny jokes" they may find this blog page. I'm such a whore.)

Here are a few examples of the translated really funny jokes:

"A political man come in football final as a chief guest . when the match ends then he said i m really unhappy to see the situation both team players are running behind the one ball. give me votes i will give separate separate football to every one. Nice Best Funny Joke!"

"two friends met together first said: once a time a horrible accident was take place with me. lion was come in front of me and trying to eat me,
second friend : then what you do?
first friend: i will go to other side from the cage of lion.
Marvelous Best Funny Joke!"

"mother to son: son what happened?
son : nothing mom a little injury takes on my finger.
mother: then why you don’t weep?
son: i thought that you are not at home.
Nice Best Funny Joke!"

[NOTE: I actually understand this joke.]

"a elephant and mouse was best friends, one day mouse ask the age of elephant.
elephant replied: two years.
mouse: repeat the question.
elephant again replied two years then mouse said i m also of 2 years just i m not well due to illness.
Awesome Best Funny Joke"

"child to other:what can you like laughing or weeping .
2nd replied: weeping.
1st child : why?
2nd child: because my father can gave me money to stop crying.

Cant stop laughing, really good best Funny Joke!"

Oh please, stop. My sides. My sides.

Let me know if you want more funny translations of really nice best awesome marvelous funny jokes.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Cigar suggestions for celebrating death of Osama bin Laden

I posted the question in one of the cigar forums, asking what cigars people were planning to smoke to celebrate the killing of Osama bin Laden.

Here are some of the suggestions, and some others I found:

Fighting Cock - No longer made.

Gurkha Assassin - Full bodied. Brazilian wrapper. Dominican binder. Nicaraguan filler.

Gurkha Special Ops - hand made in the Dominican Republic with a dark, oily wrapper

Exile - Created by Omar Ortez and handmade in Esteli, Nicaragua

Trinidad y CIA - Decent, cheap, medium-bodied Robusto with Honduran binder and Dominican, Honduran and Nicaraguan filler

Drew Estate Natural Dirt - You wouldn't think a stick called "Natural Dirt" would be sweet, but it is. Very.

Acid Nasty - Not a big fan. Kinda nasty if you ask me. Nicaraguan. Ecuador wrapper.

Any other suggestions?

Monday, May 2, 2011

Prince Harry plotting to get rid of William? and other unsubstantiated reflections

• Donald Trump is considering running for President. Obama decides to pre-empt Celebrity Apprentice for the Osama Bin Ladin is dead announcement. Coincidence? I don't think so.

Scenario: President Obama issues an order to the Navy Seals that he would prefer an attack on Osama Bin Ladin on a Sunday evening between 9 and 11, Eastern Daylight Time, when all of the news executives and reporters are home watching Celebrity Apprentice. I can see Obama, tuned to NBC, smoking a cigarette and saying, "Okay, pull the plug." Take that Donald Trump. :)
• Prince Harry could be plotting to get rid of William before he has a male child so that HE can be King. Bwaa ha ha ha ha ha. (That would make this Royal Family thing so much more interesting.)
• You don't see Prince Harry with a lot of women. I think it would be cool if he were a transexual. That way he could be the very first Queen Prince.
• Cleaning up after your dog is much simpler if you teach them to poop right on the shovel.
• Now you don't even have to go to New Orleans to experience Mardi Gras. Just send a pic of your boobs and receive a pic of some beads at the Virtual Mardi Gras.
• Now this is punny.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Gispert Toro an amazing smoke for less than three bucks delivered - cigar review

Many of you may already be aware of his Gispert cigars, but until recently, I was not. That's the beauty of cigar smoking: discovering a new cigar and finding the time to savor and judge it.

The half dozen cigar shops that I frequent locally do not carry Gispert. One afternoon, in downtown Detroit, I was trying to decide which of the two best coney islands in the world (Lafayette and American) I noticed a small cigar shop right next door. I went in specifically to treat myself to a Romeo y Julieta something. Much to my dismay, they had none. Odd. Most tobacconists carry Romeo y Julieta since they are a well known name, a damned good cigar and a frequent choice of infrequent cigar smokers.

After informing the seemingly  knowledgeable owner of my dilemma, he recommended a Gispert, saying that it was manufactured in the same factory as Romeo. I purchased one toro stick for about 6 dollars and change (what I was hoping to spend on a Romeo).

Removing it from its wrapper I found a very firm, expertly constructed, hand made cigar. The end was flatter than most cigars making it perfect for plugging. If your a cutter this is a moot point. Upon flaming and turning I found a perfect draw and a rich, creamy, mild to medium-bodied smoke with a hint of nutty pepper (there did I cover everything?). The draw was very smooth with an ample amount of smoke. The ash was impressively consistent, and much firmer than you'd expect from a cigar in this price range.
I returned to buy two more to put in my humidor for an occasion where I could sit, enjoy and reflect on my feelings about this cigar. After the second smoke, I knew I had to get more and went online to research purchasing a box.

A little research showed that these cigars have had a stellar reputation in Cuba since before 1950 and currently use a fine blend of Nicaraguan and Honduran tobaccos, a natural wrapper and measure a 50 ring by 6 inches. Perfect, if you aske me. Although they are a bit milder than my normal preference, the flavor and volume of smoke make my hand gravitate toward them when I open my humidor.

In this econonmy, I knew that my first purchase would be with the tobacconist with the lowest total price that I could find. The winner: Famous Smoke Shop. They came in at just under $70 for a box of 25, including shipping. That's a mere $2.80 per stick. Almost within my "everyday cigar" range. Maybe I'll just up my cigar price daily limit a little and give up something else.  Like dinner.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Oliva Serie G Corona cigar review - being square ain't so bad!

I've been a fan of Oliva cigars for quite some time. In fact, a few years back, after reviewing the Oliva bundled Robustos, Jose Oliva sent me a bundle of the cigars I reviewed, plus a box of their (at the time) new, premium box-pressed cigars. Of course I knew what to expect from the bundled cigar (still a great smoke for the money), but was really pleased with every aspect of the box-pressed sticks.

So, last week while visiting the Cigar Factory Outlet in Troy, Michigan for the very first time (more on this later), I decided to purchase an Oliva G Serie cigar. I chose a Corona, box-pressed, African Camaroon wrapped delight, with Nicaraguan Habano longfillers and binders.

Spicy, peppery. A bit oily. Even after allowing it to extinquish, it recovered nicely upon relighting and quickly returned back to it's near perfect full-bodied, smoke-filled draw. (This smoke is mostly referred to as a medium-bodied, but I found it to be a bit to the right of medium.)

Nice even burn. Reasonably smooth, firm ash. Excellently constructed.

The most remarkable aspect of this smoke for me was the fact that remained consistent down to the way-too-small-to-be-smoking size. If it starts getting too short to hold, but it hasn't gotten bitter, I may go searching through my vintage seventies stuff to find a roach clip to finish off this fine cigar.

They can be found online at about $100 for a box of 25, or you can probably get individual sticks at a local tobacconist in the six to eight dollar range.

As always, comments welcomed.

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...or not. :)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Cigar ponderings and smoking tips - Charlie Sheen, blowing your cigar, legal separation

  • Should we, the cigar smoking community, hope that Charlie Sheen is never photographed with a cigar again? Or might it be a good thing?
  • The first tip you should give to a novice cigar smoker: never smoke a cigar with a tip.
  • If you blow into your cigar prior to letting it go out or putting it in a snuffer, it will have a much less bitter taste when re-lit.
  • If you really want your cigars to smoke as they were intended, make sure you keep different brands separated (either with cedar separators or separate humidors).
  • Should you remove the band  from a cigar when smoking? Depends where you live. In England, leaving the band on is an indication of rude arrogance (showing off the expensive cigar you're smoking, I imagine). In my case (since I notoriously smoke quality but inexpensive cigars as my everyday smokes), I try to carefully remove the wrapper so you don't know what the hell I'm smoking. However, to not risk damaging the cigar, it is best to leave the band in tact until the coal gets close to the paper. At this time, the glue holding the band together heats up and is easily removed without damaging the cigar.
  • I try to handle anti-cigar smoking people with dignity and mature, calm discussion. But, fact is, they're poo poo heads.
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Friday, March 4, 2011

Macanudo departs from mild with the 1968 cigar line - and I like it!

The Macanudo line of cigars is probably the go-to cigar for the occasional cigar smoker. Everyone knows the brand. Always well constructed. Consistent, even burn. But, they're generally milder than what I prefer.

I recently received a 3 cigar variety pack of Macanudo robustos as a gift. I chose to smoke the Macanudo1968 first because I don't think I've ever had one and it looked a little meaner than your average Macanudo stick.

As you can see the photo, I didn't have optimal smoking conditions. I was banished to the cold and wind to try to enjoy my smoke. Damn people who don't understand or appreciate the all natural aroma of a finely built cigar.

I was pleasantly surprised to discover a medium bodied, rich flavor. The draw was consistent in spite of the wind, and the wrapper stayed in tact and never unravelled.

The 1968 does have a distinctive, tasty bitterness that you will probably either love or hate, but I liked it. Perhaps primarily because it was such a departure from my Macanudo expectations. And the second half was a bit hot, but then again, I was a bit cold and may have been rushing things.

So it seems that Macanudo is trying to expand from the mild blends into darker and richer products. And, even though I don't usually like to spend eight bucks on one cigar, I will make sure I have a couple of these available in my humidor.

The Macanudo 1968 line is available in a variety of sizes from a Churchill to a 60 ring Gigante.

Wrapper: Honduran San Agustin Havana Seed
Filler: Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, Ometepe
Size: Robusto (5 x 50)
Strength: Medium

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Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Cigar accessory review: push button cigar puncher

I believe that cigar smokers are the easiest people in the world to buy gifts for. Of course you can always buy me an expensive cigar, which will be greatly appreciated, but there are so many other things that are welcomed by tobacco stick suckers.

How about a nice bottle of Scotch (single malt or a good blend)? A new lighter perhaps (not a Bic)? Or, one of those clippy things to put your cigar on while golfing? A new humidor? Cigar cases? Cutters? Okay, maybe even some breath freshener. We're so easy.

I bought myself a cigar accessory gift a couple of weeks ago. More out of necessity than anything else. My two-piece pocket cigar puncher wouldn't properly snap closed, so it would come apart in my pocket, leaving the razor plugging end exposed and available to create holes in my pants.

I do own a few cutters, but prefer the cigar punchers for most cigars except torpedos. I have a cutter attached to my humidor, a bullet in my car (44 Magnum...most powerful cigar cutter in the world...), but I MUST carry one in my pocket so I'm always ready for the next cigar experience.

So, while at the cigar store stocking up on my bundle of Quorum's, I decided to blow a whole extra dollar and get the pop-out cigar punch with the push-button ejector ($5.95). So far, I love this little thing. Just make sure you keep your fingers away from the retracting button while you're doing the actual plugging. Watch the video demo below and then order your very own retractable cigar punch here: