Crazy Contemplations - Pop Culture, Politics and Potty Humor

Posted for your ridicule:

I watched the State of the Union, listened to Rubio's response and read the entire transcript of the Tea Party response. After taking in all of the valid points and sentiments of each, one can only determine that they're all full of shit.

One time I gave up sex for Lent. My wife asked me what I gave up. I said, "Try to guess." She never figured it out.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Maybe not, but you can make a pretty cool sow's ear purse.

I believe in spirits. Mostly Scotch, but sometimes vodka or bourbon.

I was thinking that sometimes apostrophes can be so possessive.

Some jokes are timeless, and some times are jokeless.

Clever quotes are for people who can't write jokes. Wait...

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Absolut vodka gets you drunk and you don't give a shit.

Once you lose your mind, life is a no-brainer.

When someone has something to tell you, good or bad, say nothing. Just listen. Intently. Do not comment. That really pisses them off.

It costs $10 a month to join Planet Fitness gym. First Monday's are free pizza night. That's one meal taken care of.

The Jet's Pizza television commercial claims to have invented the eight corner pizza. Is taking two small pizzas and putting them in the same box really an invention?

Personally, I think some of the more extreme NRA members should be shot! Oh, wait....

How come all of  Casper the Friendly Ghost's cousins have Dairy Queen ice cream swirl heads and Casper's looks like a Hostess Snow Ball?

I never finish anythi

What the hell was I thinking? Stand on line for a crappy phone, smelly habits, and more. Pointless ponderings blog.

Back bi-polar demand, more pointless ponderings. Thanks for reading the allegedly funny, satirical, parody, comedy blog. Your comments and heckles are encouraged. I ain't ascaird of you.

• I have a lot of bad habits, but smoking cigars is the only one that you can smell when I walk into a room. Unless, of course, you consider farting a habit.

• The synthetic marijuana substitute that they call K2 or Bath Salts is smoked (which is not recommended) and creates hallucinations and sometimes violent, psychotic behavior. It seems that, as soon as the Food and Drug Administration bans one of the ingredients of this "incense," they use a different chemical to replace the one that was banned. So, when they change the ingredients so often in order to stay one-step ahead of the law, I was wondering how they know if the new chemical they added will have the desired  affect? Do they have testers? Maybe they run ads in the help wanted classifieds? "So, Mr. Tester, how was that?" "Good. I feel like killing my mother and eating her face." Excellent. Ship it. (On a serious note, if you encounter any party stores, smoke shops or gas stations selling this crap, voice your opinion to the proprietor, and tell them you won't be shopping there again.)

• One of my favorite words is "wasps." Technically, it's one syllable, but when you say it, it sounds like three. Waaaa...spppp...sssss.

• If a product says "Gluten Free" does that mean that you just don't pay extra for the gluten? "Hey honey, look. Free gluten."

• A new study indicates that smiling, even if it's a phony smile, lowers your heart rate and makes you calmer. It is  recommended that during stressful times you smile or laugh to reduce stress. "I'm sorry to tell you Grampa died." "Ha ha ha ha ha. Ahhhh ha ha ha. Whew, I feel better." (Don't try this at home.)

• I've always marvelled at how, in movie fight scenes, people can fly through the air, kick their opponent in the face, smash a chair over their head, throw them across the room, and they just get up and continue fighting. Then, I realized that it really isn't all that different than "The Three Stooges," when Moe would whack Curly in the head with a hammer. I'm not trying either.

• On CNN television news network, two broadcasters were arguing about whether or not the news media should cover the fact that the new CEO of Yahoo! Melissa Mayer was pregnant. Hellllloooo? By discussing whether or not you should discuss it, YOU COVERED IT. Who's stupider, CNN or the viewers?

• Why do so many Muslims blame America because one guy makes a bad movie against Islam. America doesn't endorse this movie. Hell, no one is really sure that the movie even exists and that it isn't really just a trailer for a never-made production. Blaming America for the actions of this one guy is like assuming that everyone who dies their hair red is likely to shoot up a movie theater.

• I really don't understand the mentality of people who will stand in line for eight days to get an iPhone 5, when the Apple product is just playing catch-up to Android products which have had the new iPhone features for a couple of years already. Plus, it seems that the new iPhone 5 has other issues, like the GPS and maps not working very well, the screen being a bit too long and the fact that you have to buy all new accessories. I'll take a $99 Verizon 4G device,  thank you very much.

What the hell am I thinking? Hating nostalgia, left-handed urination and more.

• Remember back when hating nostalgia was fashionable? Those were the days.

• Speaking of nostalgia, I remember when a government meltdown involved gold and other precious metals.

• Factcheck.org has been factchecked by many factcheckers. Pick a topic presented by either side and you will probably find factcheck.org blowing holes in it. Super Pac Obama anti-Romney commercial? Full of bullshit. Super Pac Romney anti-Obama propaganda? Mostly bullshit. The problem with the internet is that people use it to find stories that support what they think they think, and then post it as fact. As was so astutely noted on the Showtime show "The Big C:" the Internet isn't for information....it's for porn.

• When I use a urinal, I generally use my left hand. That leaves my right hand available for texting. Still wanna borrow my phone?

• Why do they call it "fancy ketchup?" What makes it fancy? Could I get less fancy ketchup cheaper? Where do I get that?

• Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers hit four home runs in one game on May 8, 2012. Amazing! Even more astonishing, that spectacular feat has been accomplished on 16 other occasions. Seeing that on the news reminded me of June 24, 1968 when Jim Northrup of the Detroit Tigers hit two grand slams in one game. To me, that's even freakier because what are the odds of even coming up to the plate in a bases-loaded situation twice in one game. I guess technically every player who ever hit two home runs in the same game could have a shot at the two grand slam thing, if only his damn team would load up the bases for him.

• The best thing about winter is that you don't have to cut the grass or clean the pool. The worst thing about winter is that you don't have to cut the grass or clean the pool.

• The T.S.A.  has been instructed to stop harassing celebrities and let them get through at airports quicker. Expect an increase in celebrity look alike terrorists.