Sunday, April 3, 2016

Why voting in November may not work out for me

I may have trouble voting in November because I have contracted that new condition: Electile Dysfunction.

If you are pondering the election for more than four hours....see a doctor (or political consultant).

Monday, December 21, 2015

Getting tricked into shopping extravaganza -

Yesterday we went to Toys R Us to pick up one Wii game as a gift for Christmas. A Wii game is about the size of a paperback book. When my wife and I walked in the store she said, "Get a shopping cart." I asked, "What do I need a shopping cart for to get one small toy?" She said, "Because you never know." 

We then began a two hour shopping adventure examining dozens of toys, price checking and finally buying nearly a full cart-full of stuff. Of course it was all on sale. 

At check out, with a long long line behind us, the young clerk asks, "Would you like to sign up for a credit card and get an additional 25% off?" I said, No!. My wife said, "Why not?" I said, "Because I don't need another credit card." She said, "But it's 25% off." I said, "Okay then put it in your name." She said, "I can't. I already have a Toys R Us credit card." 

So I agreed, and while standing in line I had to give my social security number, my mother's maiden name, my full address, my drivers license number, my annual income and more. Everyone behind us in the long line got very pissed off and left, until there was absolutely no one behind us in line. But I got 25% off. So fuck them. Merry Christmas!

Monday, August 11, 2014

Pondering Randomly - Hey, someone has to think of this crap!

Okay, okay, I know I've been negligent. If you really need to get a fix of my absurd ramblings, make sure you friend me on Facebook and/or follow on Twitter. Okay, here goes:

Ultimate Photo Bomb: If you want to piss off friends and family, the next time someone hands you their phone and asks you to take their picture, switch the camera to the forward facing camera, tell them to smile and click a picture of yourself. Then quickly close the screen and hand them back their camera.

My Plan to Help the Economy: Statistically, the richest people in the country are senior citizens. So, instead of giving seniors a discount, we should charge them more. Wait! Scratch that.

Normalcy: I took a Sominex and washed it down with a Red Bull. Man did I feel normal.

Naming your dog: I wanted to name my new dog Shot or Bucket, so it would be funny when I called her.

Nice to Meet You: My new introduction when I meet someone: "Hi, my name is Gary. But my friends call me Dick."

Friday, February 15, 2013

Crazy Contemplations - Pop Culture, Politics and Potty Humor

comedy humor jokes funny websites parody satire interactive prose blogs articles

Posted for your ridicule:

I watched the State of the Union, listened to Rubio's response and read the entire transcript of the Tea Party response. After taking in all of the valid points and sentiments of each, one can only determine that they're all full of shit.

One time I gave up sex for Lent. My wife asked me what I gave up. I said, "Try to guess." She never figured it out.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Maybe not, but you can make a pretty cool sow's ear purse.

I believe in spirits. Mostly Scotch, but sometimes vodka or bourbon.

I was thinking that sometimes apostrophes can be so possessive.

Some jokes are timeless, and some times are jokeless.

Clever quotes are for people who can't write jokes. Wait...

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Absolut vodka gets you drunk and you don't give a shit.

Once you lose your mind, life is a no-brainer.

When someone has something to tell you, good or bad, say nothing. Just listen. Intently. Do not comment. That really pisses them off.

It costs $10 a month to join Planet Fitness gym. First Monday's are free pizza night. That's one meal taken care of.

The Jet's Pizza television commercial claims to have invented the eight corner pizza. Is taking two small pizzas and putting them in the same box really an invention?

Personally, I think some of the more extreme NRA members should be shot! Oh, wait....

How come all of  Casper the Friendly Ghost's cousins have Dairy Queen ice cream swirl heads and Casper's looks like a Hostess Snow Ball?

I never finish anythi

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Angus T. Jones Two and a Half Men religious rant video is consipiracy to boost ratings

Angus T. Jones, the young man who plays Jake (the half-a-man) on the hit CBS comedy show "Two and a Half Men"  recently recorded a video rant on YouTube requesting that people not watch "Two and a Half Men" because Jesus doesn't approve.

The video is long (in two-parts), but let's focus on the damning part where he says things like "Please stop watching it" and "Stop filling your head with filth." He also says that he actually doesn't want to be on the sitcom any more.

The rant against the show is about 7 minutes and 45 seconds in.

What? He's making $350,000 per episode. If he wants to spread the word of his newfound Seventh Adventist Church, take the $8.5 million you make and donate it to them. Or go feed thousands of hungry people and take some of the pressure off Obama.

On the other hand, perhaps the whole thing is a brilliant conspiracy created by successful television icon Chuck Lorre.

Maybe, just maybe, Chuck put Angus up to going on record telling everyone how crude, and lewd and sexually inappropriate the show is so that all of the people who don't already watch the show, and really enjoy totally irreverent sex and drug comedy will tune in to see what they're missing. Winning!

Could this be true? Probably not, but hey, I can make stuff up if I want to. [See disclaimer at top of page.] :)

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Great gifts for cigar smokers that don't stink

Following are some possible holiday gift ideas for that cigar smoker in your life. Of course, you can always buy cigar smokers some cigars (we NEVER complain about that unless they  contain primarily cow manure with some tobacco ingredients added), but here are some great gift ideas for cigar smokers which you do not light on fire.


For all of you cigar smokers, you can either buy this for yourself or send your loved ones here. You know you want one.
Happy Holidays from you to you. :)


If you're looking for a very nice humidor with a front-mounted, glass hygrometer, cedar lined and tempered-glass top, this is an amazing price. It has a nice mahogany finish and holds between 25 and 50 cigars.


If you're outdoorsy and a cigar smoker, this is a must. This cigar caddy holds five Churchills, is made from heavy duty molded plastic, it floats, it's airtight and waterproof to 100 feet deep. Just think, now you can take your cigars with you when you go scuba diving.


Such a nice gift. Beautiful, high-gloss walnut finish with a guillotine and punch cutter and a cigar bed with stainless steel ash resevoir. I'm adding this to my wish list.


After blowing literally hundreds of dollars on expensive Colibri lighters, thinking that they MUST be the best because they cost the most, I love to find a great deal on a lighter that does the job and gives me enough money left over to buy six or seven decent cigars. I never got more than three months out of any of the four or five Colibris I purchased before I had to ship it back so they could "fix" it...repeatedly. I finally gave up and used a very inexpensive lighter that came free with an issue of Cigar Magazine. That one lit time after time for more than two years, until I took it swimming last summer.

I understand that lighters, especially with SST, can be sensitive and perhaps malfunction. But I'd rather invest less than ten bucks than $165.00.

This Tiger Torch comes gift boxed.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Brief nudity not so brief; device for man to understand womanspeak and more pop culture absurdities

They are developing an electronic device which will allow you to put in earpieces and have any language interpreted and played in your headphones. It further allows you to speak into a microphone and what you say will be translated to their language and played through a speaker. Amazing! Now if they could only come up with a similar device where, when you put it on, a man could understand womanspeak.
When watching a movie with a DVR, brief nudity is not necessarily so brief. I have pause button.
At least Apple didn't call their new product a MiniPad.
How did the metric system overtake our beverage cans and bottles information? Now, large bottles of soft drinks are 16.9 ounces or 1.05 pints. What are they doing, just trying to remind us that our method of measurement sucks? 16.9 ounces equals 500 mL. Oh, metric system, you're so cool with your round numbers. But, what if we left it at 16 ounces? How many mL is that, smarty pants? It's something like 497.036 mL. Not so cool now are you?
Many times in my life I've heard people say that you should let tap water run for a few seconds before filling your glass and drinking it, because the water that first comes out of the tap has been sitting there stagnant for a while. Isn't the water just behind simply water that was sitting stagnant further down the pipeline?
93% of the African American population voted for President Obama. Studies show that the other 7% may have simply made a mistake.
I remember when I used to have a rotary cellphone.
I'm not sure what my being aware of breast cancer does to help the cause. They should call it Donate Money to Breast Cancer Research Month. Just for us stupid people.
I sometimes listen to those Music Choice channels on cable. I was watching/listening to the Classic Rock channel and most of the ads were for senior emergency alert and hair restoration. Truly WTF??
Here's something you simply don't hear anymore, "Hurry up, I need to use the phone."