Why voting in November may not work out for me

I may have trouble voting in November because I have contracted that new condition: Electile Dysfunction.

If you are pondering the election for more than four hours....see a doctor (or political consultant).

Getting tricked into shopping extravaganza -

Yesterday we went to Toys R Us to pick up one Wii game as a gift for Christmas. A Wii game is about the size of a paperback book. When my wife and I walked in the store she said, "Get a shopping cart." I asked, "What do I need a shopping cart for to get one small toy?" She said, "Because you never know." 

We then began a two hour shopping adventure examining dozens of toys, price checking and finally buying nearly a full cart-full of stuff. Of course it was all on sale. 

At check out, with a long long line behind us, the young clerk asks, "Would you like to sign up for a credit card and get an additional 25% off?" I said, No!. My wife said, "Why not?" I said, "Because I don't need another credit card." She said, "But it's 25% off." I said, "Okay then put it in your name." She said, "I can't. I already have a Toys R Us credit card." 

So I agreed, and while standing in line I had to give my social security number, my mother's maiden name, my full address, my drivers license number, my annual income and more. Everyone behind us in the long line got very pissed off and left, until there was absolutely no one behind us in line. But I got 25% off. So fuck them. Merry Christmas!

Pondering Randomly - Hey, someone has to think of this crap!

Okay, okay, I know I've been negligent. If you really need to get a fix of my absurd ramblings, make sure you friend me on Facebook and/or follow on Twitter. Okay, here goes:

Ultimate Photo Bomb: If you want to piss off friends and family, the next time someone hands you their phone and asks you to take their picture, switch the camera to the forward facing camera, tell them to smile and click a picture of yourself. Then quickly close the screen and hand them back their camera.

My Plan to Help the Economy: Statistically, the richest people in the country are senior citizens. So, instead of giving seniors a discount, we should charge them more. Wait! Scratch that.

Normalcy: I took a Sominex and washed it down with a Red Bull. Man did I feel normal.

Naming your dog: I wanted to name my new dog Shot or Bucket, so it would be funny when I called her.

Nice to Meet You: My new introduction when I meet someone: "Hi, my name is Gary. But my friends call me Dick."

Crazy Contemplations - Pop Culture, Politics and Potty Humor

Posted for your ridicule:

I watched the State of the Union, listened to Rubio's response and read the entire transcript of the Tea Party response. After taking in all of the valid points and sentiments of each, one can only determine that they're all full of shit.

One time I gave up sex for Lent. My wife asked me what I gave up. I said, "Try to guess." She never figured it out.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Maybe not, but you can make a pretty cool sow's ear purse.

I believe in spirits. Mostly Scotch, but sometimes vodka or bourbon.

I was thinking that sometimes apostrophes can be so possessive.

Some jokes are timeless, and some times are jokeless.

Clever quotes are for people who can't write jokes. Wait...

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Absolut vodka gets you drunk and you don't give a shit.

Once you lose your mind, life is a no-brainer.

When someone has something to tell you, good or bad, say nothing. Just listen. Intently. Do not comment. That really pisses them off.

It costs $10 a month to join Planet Fitness gym. First Monday's are free pizza night. That's one meal taken care of.

The Jet's Pizza television commercial claims to have invented the eight corner pizza. Is taking two small pizzas and putting them in the same box really an invention?

Personally, I think some of the more extreme NRA members should be shot! Oh, wait....

How come all of  Casper the Friendly Ghost's cousins have Dairy Queen ice cream swirl heads and Casper's looks like a Hostess Snow Ball?

I never finish anythi

Brief nudity not so brief; device for man to understand womanspeak and more pop culture absurdities

They are developing an electronic device which will allow you to put in earpieces and have any language interpreted and played in your headphones. It further allows you to speak into a microphone and what you say will be translated to their language and played through a speaker. Amazing! Now if they could only come up with a similar device where, when you put it on, a man could understand womanspeak.

 

When watching a movie with a DVR, brief nudity is not necessarily so brief. I have pause button.

 

At least Apple didn't call their new product a MiniPad.

 

How did the metric system overtake our beverage cans and bottles information? Now, large bottles of soft drinks are 16.9 ounces or 1.05 pints. What are they doing, just trying to remind us that our method of measurement sucks? 16.9 ounces equals 500 mL. Oh, metric system, you're so cool with your round numbers. But, what if we left it at 16 ounces? How many mL is that, smarty pants? It's something like 497.036 mL. Not so cool now are you?

 

Many times in my life I've heard people say that you should let tap water run for a few seconds before filling your glass and drinking it, because the water that first comes out of the tap has been sitting there stagnant for a while. Isn't the water just behind simply water that was sitting stagnant further down the pipeline?

 

93% of the African American population voted for President Obama. Studies show that the other 7% may have simply made a mistake.

 

I remember when I used to have a rotary cellphone.

 

I'm not sure what my being aware of breast cancer does to help the cause. They should call it Donate Money to Breast Cancer Research Month. Just for us stupid people.

I sometimes listen to those Music Choice channels on cable. I was watching/listening to the Classic Rock channel and most of the ads were for senior emergency alert and hair restoration. Truly WTF??

Here's something you simply don't hear anymore, "Hurry up, I need to use the phone."

Furnace repair: how to do it yourself and ruin a perfectly good Sunday with the help of Google, Facebook and Words with Friends

I love how connected we all are. I couldn't live without my Android phone. I even have a website dedicated to all of the cool things you can do with a Smartphone. From productivity to games, from reading books to watching...um...other stuff. I don't miss calls or emails or text messages, and I can even see what far-away loved ones are up to via Facebook or video chat on my laptop, tablet, desktop, Android or iPhone.
 

Because of the amazing Smartphone and Internet technology, arguments (except when you're talking politics or sports), are almost non-existent, thanks to the ability to Google or look up anything under dispute, any time, any place.
 

But sometimes Google can mess you up and take away an entire Sunday originally intended for leisurely activities.
 

A couple of Sundays ago it started getting a bit chillier in the metro Detroit area. So chilly in fact, that I fired up the furnace. Or at least tried to.
 

I flicked the heat switch on the thermostat and set it to Auto. Then I cranked it up a bit to get the ignitor to trigger and light the burners (ooo, almost sounds like I know what I'm talking about). Initially, it sounded just like it did last year when the furnace kicked on. Except this time the burners only stayed lit for about five seconds, and then shut off.
 

What the hell? I don't want to call the heating and air conditioning people who are going to charge me an arm and a leg to come out and probably fix it in a minute. And how do I know if whatever they tell me is wrong is even really the problem, or if they are just feeding me some bull-pucky to milk more cash from me. Sometimes it can be expensive to be this stupid.
 

So, I decided to go on Google and search for a solution to my problem and do it myself (DIM). That way, if it was a simple fix I could run to Lowes (lowes.com) or Sears (sears.com) or Aco (acohardware.com), or is it Ace hardware.com (I always get those two confused) and get whatever I needed. Enter: "lennonx furnace lights and shuts off in five seconds." Voila! Hundreds of people have had this same problem. So I started clicking on the links to the forums where people were describing their problems and even showing Youtube videos of exactly the same problem that I was having.
 

Then the good news. According to EVERYBODY, It's really easy to resolve and it won't cost me anything (except the time to do it). Yay!
 

Boo! Nothing is EVER as easy as it seems. EVERY half-hour job takes me somewhere between three hours and eternity. But, what the hell. Maybe I can do this.
 

Tackle the challenge
 

After reading entries in multiple forums from people who were having the exact same problem as I, it seemed almost certain that the problem was that my flame sensor needed to be cleaned. All I needed to do was take some sand paper or steel wool, clean off the thick wire-like sensor, put it back in place and everything should work just fine.
 

Next search: "how do I remove flame sensor from lennox value series furnace?" This search returned lots of results including video showing me just how easy it is to change it. Unscrew one little screw on the front plate that holds the burners in place, slide out the sensor, clean it, put it back, screw in one screw, turn on furnace, enjoy the warmth.
 

Or not!
 

After removing the front cover panel and looking inside, I easily determined where the flame sensor was. However, my furnace didn't afford the opportunity to JUST REMOVE ONE FREAKING SCREW. No, no! In order for me to get to the damned thing it looked like I had to remove brackets and probably even the burners themselves just to get access to the sensor, which is probably the one part that needs to be accessed the most, since so many people seem to have had the exact same problem that I was having.
 

So, back to the computer. More Googling. Finally, I found a video made by a guy showing me how to remove a flame sensor from a furnace that doesn't have a convenient screw (insert convenient screw joke here). Yup! Remove the outer bracket, remove the bracket behind that, and them remove the goddam burners. Then simply (yeah right) clean off the now exposed sensor, put it all back together and...enjoy the warmth.
 

Not gonna do it
 

As I knelt uncomfortably on the tile floor staring into the furnace and contemplating getting my socket wrench to start taking things apart, a sudden burst of common sense hit me in the face. Hell no! I'm not doing that. Me? Taking apart a contraption that fills up with gas and ignites creating a flame which remains burning until I'm toasty? I don't think that's such a good idea. I know me...and my abilities as a handyman.
 

So, I was mildly proud of myself for determining exactly what the problem was, but decided that actually taking apart my furnace wasn't real bright.
 

I commenced to put the cover back on the furnace and informed my wife that, although I felt quite manly for figuring out the problem, I couldn't get this "simple" task done because when given an opportunity to not blow up my house and family, I usually take it.
 

Enter: Internet again.
 

My wife, while on Facebook, mentioned that I had successfully diagnosed the dirty flame sensor problem with my furnace, but that I was such a loser that I was incapable of actually fixing it. Okay, she didn't put it that way, but that's how I interpreted it. She asked if any of her friends knew of anyone who could help (and not require getting a co-signer).
 

Enter: Smartphone.
 

Shortly after my wife posted that message on Facebook (of which I was not aware), I received a text message from friend with whom I was playing a game of Words With Friends. It simply said: "Kevin will be calling you shortly." At first I thought that she was just demonstrating her psychic abilities. Then, two minutes later, the phone rang and WTF, it was a guy named Kevin. He explained that Denise had given him my number after she saw my wife's posting on Facebook and was wondering if he could help.
 

After I explained the problem and told him what I believed was the remedy, he confirmed my diagnosis. Yay, again! Then he told me to "simply remove the dirty flame sensor and clean it off with some sandpaper or steel wool, put it back in and enjoy the warmth." No, no, no, no, no! I knew that. The problem was that I couldn't get at the part I needed to clean.
 

As I was trying to explain how it was all configured (after I disassembled the front of the furnace a third time), he said, "I wish I could see it." When I suggested that I take a picture with my Android phone and forward it to his phone, he said, "my phone has a red button and a green button." Okay, chalk that idea. He did, however have an email address, so I sent a couple of pictures there.
 

He took a look, called me back and suggested that I remove the two hex nuts on the top bracket above the burners. I did that, and (not very easily) was able to cram my hand back behind the burner where the flame sensor was located and basically clean it with little tiny movements (not much room) with a toothbrush and a piece of steel wool.
 

I "cleaned" it as best I could and decided to just put everything back together and see what happens. If it doesn't work, then that wasn't the problem and I'd have to have a heating and cooling guy come out.
 

I went upstairs, clicked it on, cranked up the thermostat, and it has been working just fine ever since.
 

Thank you Google. Thank you Facebook. Thank you Hotmail. And thank you Words With Friends (Note: I kicked Denise's ass in the game).
 

As it turned out, I was originally planning to watch the Detroit Lions football game, and they lost anyway. Apparently, there is more than one way to waste a perfectly good Sunday.
 

 

Afterthought: In case you found this page when you were really looking for furnaces
 

 

If you are looking to purchase a gas furnace, there are some great options online. Believe it or not Amazon.com has a number of furnaces (Ducane, Rheem, you can purchase and have shipped, and lowes.com now carries a few furnaces (and lots of wood burners) that you can purchase and pick up or have delivered from your local Lowes location. Sears.com has a full line of Kenmore brand furnaces.

 

 

       

Real Fake Interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger - Altered Audio - Truth about Mildred the Housekeeper

Here is the interview I had with Arnold Schwarzennegger, where he discusses his new book "Total Recall" (available at Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com). In this interview Arnold tells the REAL story about Mildred the Housekeeper.

Arnold is candid about Maria Shriver, Mildred the Housekeeper and his new book in this very short, very phony, funny parody of Arnold Schwarzenegger's promotional tour to tout his new memoir.

Although this shows Arnold in a slightly negative light, he is only a tad more sleazy than he was in the original interview with Diane Sawyer.

More altered audio and absurd, allegedly funny stuff at Interactive Lunacy, Smart Ass News and Cellphone Reality TV.




For true Arnold fans, check out this signed Arnold Schwarzenegger Laser Disc Cover. Powers Collectibles 3139 Signed Terminator The- Arnold Schwarzenegger Laser Disc Cover By Arnold Schwarzenegger (Google Affiliate Ad)

    

What the hell was I thinking? Stand on line for a crappy phone, smelly habits, and more. Pointless ponderings blog.

Back bi-polar demand, more pointless ponderings. Thanks for reading the allegedly funny, satirical, parody, comedy blog. Your comments and heckles are encouraged. I ain't ascaird of you.

• I have a lot of bad habits, but smoking cigars is the only one that you can smell when I walk into a room. Unless, of course, you consider farting a habit.

• The synthetic marijuana substitute that they call K2 or Bath Salts is smoked (which is not recommended) and creates hallucinations and sometimes violent, psychotic behavior. It seems that, as soon as the Food and Drug Administration bans one of the ingredients of this "incense," they use a different chemical to replace the one that was banned. So, when they change the ingredients so often in order to stay one-step ahead of the law, I was wondering how they know if the new chemical they added will have the desired  affect? Do they have testers? Maybe they run ads in the help wanted classifieds? "So, Mr. Tester, how was that?" "Good. I feel like killing my mother and eating her face." Excellent. Ship it. (On a serious note, if you encounter any party stores, smoke shops or gas stations selling this crap, voice your opinion to the proprietor, and tell them you won't be shopping there again.)

• One of my favorite words is "wasps." Technically, it's one syllable, but when you say it, it sounds like three. Waaaa...spppp...sssss.

• If a product says "Gluten Free" does that mean that you just don't pay extra for the gluten? "Hey honey, look. Free gluten."

• A new study indicates that smiling, even if it's a phony smile, lowers your heart rate and makes you calmer. It is  recommended that during stressful times you smile or laugh to reduce stress. "I'm sorry to tell you Grampa died." "Ha ha ha ha ha. Ahhhh ha ha ha. Whew, I feel better." (Don't try this at home.)

• I've always marvelled at how, in movie fight scenes, people can fly through the air, kick their opponent in the face, smash a chair over their head, throw them across the room, and they just get up and continue fighting. Then, I realized that it really isn't all that different than "The Three Stooges," when Moe would whack Curly in the head with a hammer. I'm not trying either.

• On CNN television news network, two broadcasters were arguing about whether or not the news media should cover the fact that the new CEO of Yahoo! Melissa Mayer was pregnant. Hellllloooo? By discussing whether or not you should discuss it, YOU COVERED IT. Who's stupider, CNN or the viewers?

• Why do so many Muslims blame America because one guy makes a bad movie against Islam. America doesn't endorse this movie. Hell, no one is really sure that the movie even exists and that it isn't really just a trailer for a never-made production. Blaming America for the actions of this one guy is like assuming that everyone who dies their hair red is likely to shoot up a movie theater.

• I really don't understand the mentality of people who will stand in line for eight days to get an iPhone 5, when the Apple product is just playing catch-up to Android products which have had the new iPhone features for a couple of years already. Plus, it seems that the new iPhone 5 has other issues, like the GPS and maps not working very well, the screen being a bit too long and the fact that you have to buy all new accessories. I'll take a $99 Verizon 4G device,  thank you very much.

Altered Audio: Obama addresses Libya crisis - what Republicans heard

This is just me having a little fun altering the audio of President Obama's recent press conference addressing the crisis in Libya. He actually spoke every word. Okay, maybe not with that intent nor in that order, but he did utter each of the words.



     

What the hell am I thinking? Hating nostalgia, left-handed urination and more.

• Remember back when hating nostalgia was fashionable? Those were the days.

• Speaking of nostalgia, I remember when a government meltdown involved gold and other precious metals.

• Factcheck.org has been factchecked by many factcheckers. Pick a topic presented by either side and you will probably find factcheck.org blowing holes in it. Super Pac Obama anti-Romney commercial? Full of bullshit. Super Pac Romney anti-Obama propaganda? Mostly bullshit. The problem with the internet is that people use it to find stories that support what they think they think, and then post it as fact. As was so astutely noted on the Showtime show "The Big C:" the Internet isn't for information....it's for porn.

• When I use a urinal, I generally use my left hand. That leaves my right hand available for texting. Still wanna borrow my phone?

• Why do they call it "fancy ketchup?" What makes it fancy? Could I get less fancy ketchup cheaper? Where do I get that?

• Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers hit four home runs in one game on May 8, 2012. Amazing! Even more astonishing, that spectacular feat has been accomplished on 16 other occasions. Seeing that on the news reminded me of June 24, 1968 when Jim Northrup of the Detroit Tigers hit two grand slams in one game. To me, that's even freakier because what are the odds of even coming up to the plate in a bases-loaded situation twice in one game. I guess technically every player who ever hit two home runs in the same game could have a shot at the two grand slam thing, if only his damn team would load up the bases for him.

• The best thing about winter is that you don't have to cut the grass or clean the pool. The worst thing about winter is that you don't have to cut the grass or clean the pool.

• The T.S.A.  has been instructed to stop harassing celebrities and let them get through at airports quicker. Expect an increase in celebrity look alike terrorists.

Two favorite REAL funny photos - Exit before Tweeting and Serving Size one bite

Not much need be said about these two great photos. If you really want one of the Exit Before Tweeting signs you can order from Shark Robot.

Hey look! Only 80 calories! But check out the Serving Size.