Check out the mobile version of the Joking Smoker Blog

Have you ever been sitting somewhere with nothing to do? You look at your phone. Sure, you can play a game of Stupid Zombies (greatest Smarphone game app of all time), or check out the latest news stories, but why not load the new mobile version of this blog? Hmmm. Why not? Just load the web address or, you can take your Smarphone (Android or iPhone), scan the QR Code below, and then bookmark the page. Aww go on!

 

Altered Audio: Obama addresses Libya crisis - what Republicans heard

This is just me having a little fun altering the audio of President Obama's recent press conference addressing the crisis in Libya. He actually spoke every word. Okay, maybe not with that intent nor in that order, but he did utter each of the words.



     

What the hell am I thinking? Hating nostalgia, left-handed urination and more.

• Remember back when hating nostalgia was fashionable? Those were the days.

• Speaking of nostalgia, I remember when a government meltdown involved gold and other precious metals.

• Factcheck.org has been factchecked by many factcheckers. Pick a topic presented by either side and you will probably find factcheck.org blowing holes in it. Super Pac Obama anti-Romney commercial? Full of bullshit. Super Pac Romney anti-Obama propaganda? Mostly bullshit. The problem with the internet is that people use it to find stories that support what they think they think, and then post it as fact. As was so astutely noted on the Showtime show "The Big C:" the Internet isn't for information....it's for porn.

• When I use a urinal, I generally use my left hand. That leaves my right hand available for texting. Still wanna borrow my phone?

• Why do they call it "fancy ketchup?" What makes it fancy? Could I get less fancy ketchup cheaper? Where do I get that?

• Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers hit four home runs in one game on May 8, 2012. Amazing! Even more astonishing, that spectacular feat has been accomplished on 16 other occasions. Seeing that on the news reminded me of June 24, 1968 when Jim Northrup of the Detroit Tigers hit two grand slams in one game. To me, that's even freakier because what are the odds of even coming up to the plate in a bases-loaded situation twice in one game. I guess technically every player who ever hit two home runs in the same game could have a shot at the two grand slam thing, if only his damn team would load up the bases for him.

• The best thing about winter is that you don't have to cut the grass or clean the pool. The worst thing about winter is that you don't have to cut the grass or clean the pool.

• The T.S.A.  has been instructed to stop harassing celebrities and let them get through at airports quicker. Expect an increase in celebrity look alike terrorists.

If you don't get me this stuff for Father's Day, I'm getting it for myself

I still maintain that I'm the easiest person in the world to buy for. Just ask me what I want. "Cigars." Then ask me what kind I like. "The more they cost, the better I'll like them."

See. Wasn't that easy?

So when anyone asks "What do you want for Father's Day?" Or, if you're wondering what to get your dad for Father's Day, I'm here to resolve that issue. Get the Father's Day gifts that every cigar smoking dad wants.

Now, if you don't want to buy me (or your dad) cigars, okay, then buy cigar accessories. Here are some that I either already love and own, or I'd love for someone to buy for me. How about you? No, I'm not asking what gifts you'd like to receive, I'm asking if YOU'D like to buy me this stuff. Just contact me and I'll provide you with my shipping address. :)

These tips also work for birthdays, holidays anniversaries and Tuesdays.

• Cigar Save It - This is a MUST HAVE for any cigar smoker. Rarely do we get an opportunity to enjoy a full cigar in one sitting, so this really handy accessory is a perfect addition for any pocket, car, fanny-pack or wherever you store keep your cigar stuff. With Cigar Save It, you can puff away and then, when it's time to extinguish just slide your fully lit cigar into the Cigar Save It tube, close the top and return it to your pocket. Before I purchased my first Cigar Save It I would lose a lot of cigars by setting them on a ledge or curb or tossing them onto the lawn. Not any more. This is the best accessory you can buy for nine bucks. Learn more.

• Gorham That's Entertainment Flask/Cigar Set, 5-Piece - This is a beautiful gift. Even if you have to give it to yourself. Gorham is a highly respected company who produces nothing but quality stuff. You get everything pictured at left (flask, cigar cutter, two-cigar pocket carrier, shot glass (I think you actually get two, which would make it a six-piece set, and a little hat for your miniature Wizard of Oz Tin Man doll. :) Get yours here.

• Folding Wood Cigar Ashtray W/ Cutter - Not too much needs to be said for a really cool cigar ash tray, which comes with a razor sharp cutter and folds into a nifty little wooden box for easy travel storage. Nothing worse than being on the road and having to rest your cigars on strange ashtrays.

• Cigar Compadre - This very inexpensive accessory comes in very handy. When you don't need to extinguish your cigar with your Cigar Save It, this cigar accessory comes in very handy to just rest your smoke for a few while you whack your balls, cast your line, or nod out on your hammock. Check it out here.

• Xikar Stainless Steel Portable Cigar Ash Can - I love this! It's a can that fits right in your car's cup holder and it has a ring and spiral holder to fit most ring sizes. Then, when you're on the go or just want to contain the "aroma," screw the lid on it. For less than 20 bucks. Get all the details here.

Here's what I recommend: copy the url (web address) of this page and paste it into an email to send to everyone you know. Let me know how it works out for ya. 

Seems to me: pointless ponderings on current events

• The odds of winning the Mega Millions today is almost exactly the same as Rick Santorum being elected president. Got ticket?

• So, the Mega Millions Jackpot is over half a billion. All week I've been trying to bet with people who are buying tickets, "I'll bet you $100,000 you don't win." So far, no takers. I figure it's a win-win. If they don't win, they owe me a hundred grand (good luck collecting) and if they do win, they won't need my $100,000 chump change.

• Geraldo Rivera said the the fact that Travon Martin was wearing a hoody was as responsible for his death as was Zimmerman, the killer. Yeah, and women who wear sexy clothes deserve to be raped, right Geraldo. Open mouth, insert foot.

• It seems to me that people who are against the demonstration marches for Trayvon Martin are the same people who support marches where they wear different hoods.

• Sixteen European countries are coming together to bail out the financially troubled Greece. It's no wonder. Have you seem some of the buildings over there? They're like, in ruins.

When I review Android and other Smartphone apps, I really love finding really useful and cool productivity apps. Other times: not so much. This is not only really funny, but hilariously challenging. And we've all been there.
http://hookedondroid.com/drunkenpeeappreview.html


• Mars has announced that they will no longer make any chocolate bars that have more than 250 calories. So I bought one of those jumbo Snickers bars and when I took it out of the wrapper...there was a bite out of it.

• It seems to me that Rick Santorum himself is reason enough to support birth control.

• It seems to me that all women are careless with bobby pins, which can find their way down drains, get stuck, collect hair and cause annoying, if not expensive, plumbing problems. Okay maybe not all women, but at least two.

• You don't have to go to New Orleans to enjoy the Mardi Gras. Send me a picture of your boobs, and I'll send you a picture of some beads. http://interactivelunacy.com/mardigras.htm



• Why does a sidebar in a legal trial take place in the front? Seems to me they should call it a "frontbar."

WOW! Cable wins the Worst Customer Service Ever Award!

This is purely a personal case study, but it is my second really bad experience with WOW Cable and Internet service and their really awful customer service. In this economy, you'd think that supervisors (or at least that's what they claim to be on the phone) would learn just a little bit about how to treat a customer, even if they aren't always right.

I was lured back to WOW with a really great deal in December 2011. Okay, admittedly, my other really great deal with Comcast Xfinity was expiring and they were going to begin charging me 74 gazillion dollars per month to maintain  my service, but WOW got me to come subcribe to their service because they were offereing me a phenomenal package and would honor it until 2014.

I know many people say that WOW Cable sucks and that WOW's customer service is rude, arrogant and on a good day condescending, but I was going to give them another chance. [Note: I'm going to keep saying things like WOW Cable has terrible service so that the major search engines find this article and I can inform other unsatisfied WOW customers to find another cable and internet alternative to the really lousy customer service provided by WOW employees.

So, anyway, my deal with Comcast/Xfinity expired and I called WOW. I told them about my previous deal, and here's what they offered me:

Three HD/DVR boxes at no charge (my bill indicated that each one was $13 per month, and right below was a line item that said: "100% off for 12 months" for each box. This is their bill! This is their acknowledgement that they offered me the deal.

Then, after only three months, they sent my new bill with no credits for the HD/DVR boxes. Okay, probably just another in a long line of WOW billing screw ups, but a phone call should fix it. Wrong!

When I called and the issue was looked into by the snotty, pompous customer service jerk, he came back and told me that it expired because it's been a year. Hold on. Let me get my calculator out. December 2011 plus 12 months should take me somewhere in the vicinty of December 2012. Not March 2012. I always try to be nice and let these people know that I'm aware that the problem probably isn't their fault, but this guy was really pissing me off with his piece of crap attitude. I politely informed him that I just came back to WOW at the end of the year and that my deal (although originally was to be good until 2014) should at least be honored until December 2012 as it states RIGHT ON THE BILL THEY SENT ME.

He said he was sorry, but he couldn't approve that deal because no one could authorize giving away three HD/DVR's for 12 months. Excuse me? Someone DID authorize that deal and it's right there on the first three bills they sent.

I was pretty astonished and calmly stated, "So, what you're telling me is that the deal you offered me to get me to cancel my service with another provider, which I have in writing from you, will not be honored." He said, "Yeah, that's right. Sorry."

Unbelievable. Even if for some reason he had to convey awful news to a customer who is willing to spend about $1,500 per year for their inferior service, they should at least be trained to treat the public with decency and respect.

So, I asked to speak to a supervisor. He said he was a supervisor, but he'd get another one to verify what he told me. After again waiting on hold (after already investing nearly an hour) Jason came on the line. I think it was the same guy. He told me the same thing. Again in the awful customer service manner that I've grown to know and hate from WOW!

I might as well have been talking to "Peggy" from those credit card commercials.

So, the bottom line is this:

WOW service is sub par. They couldn't get my wireless router to work (other providers had no problem) and "forced" me to use theirs or not have wireless service.

They screwed up my billing and erroneously threatened to disconnect me after they changed my billing date BACKWARDS making me immediately delinquent. For that mishap, I was promised two vouchers for free On Demand movies. Never got them.

Then, after constant complaints about Internet speed by my family, I did an Internet speed check. Less that 1 meg. That's 30 times slower than what was promised. That time, when I called I spoke with a very nice and helpful rep who got me back to an acceptable MPS.

Please forward this page to anyone who is looking for TV, Internet and phone service and advise them to stay away from WOW.

After my first really bad customer service experience with WOW a number of years ago (that time their rep argued with me that there was no way Comcast was going to offer me the deal that I told her they were offering, even though I was holding the offer right in my hands and reading it to the witch), I cancelled my service. After contacting Comcast and getting their service turned on, I got a call from a really nice guy at WOW offering me the farm. Too little, too late.

I should have learned my lesson then and stayed away, but I was lured back, then summarily bent over and...well you get the picture.

All I can say is WOW!

Here are some questions you may ask:

Is WOW a good cable service provider? No.
Is WOW a good Internet service provider? No.
Does WOW have good customer service? No.
Does WOW have high customer satisfaction? I doubt it.
Does WOW employ rude, arrogant, pompous customer service representatives? Absolutely.

Stuff I think I think! No fetus eating, new car for 99 cents a month and more.

• Just face it: Everything happens for no reason.

• I heard on the news that they are considering a bill that will not allow aborted fetuses in our food. What? That's outrageous! So now, I can't have my occasional fetus butter and jelly sandwich?

• Channel 7 (WXYZ-TV) in Detroit ran a promo for days on Dishwasher Danger, telling us that our dishwashers can catch fire and burn down our houses. And they were going to tell us how to prevent it on the following Wednesday at 6:45 a.m. Apparently it's not that big of a deal if they made us wait days to tell us how not to burn down our houses. :)

• I can buy a brand new, 2012 Toyota Camry for only 99 cents per month (with $27,999 due at signing).

•  Why do they have a door on the back of roadside mailboxes? Are people really so lazy that they can't walk the extra foot?

• During the Viet Nam era, I got a Purple Heart. Okay, I just found it in my Lucky Charms box, but I got it.

• My brakes are going bad on my car. Yesterday, I drove by the brake shop, but I didn't stop.

•  You've heard the saying: "It's like taking candy from a baby." You should take candy from a baby. What the fuck is a baby doing with candy?

• Since 50% of all marriages fail, I'm going to start giving only half of my wedding gift. You get the other half if you stay married for ten years.