Why voting in November may not work out for me

I may have trouble voting in November because I have contracted that new condition: Electile Dysfunction.

If you are pondering the election for more than four hours....see a doctor (or political consultant).

Getting tricked into shopping extravaganza -

Yesterday we went to Toys R Us to pick up one Wii game as a gift for Christmas. A Wii game is about the size of a paperback book. When my wife and I walked in the store she said, "Get a shopping cart." I asked, "What do I need a shopping cart for to get one small toy?" She said, "Because you never know." 

We then began a two hour shopping adventure examining dozens of toys, price checking and finally buying nearly a full cart-full of stuff. Of course it was all on sale. 

At check out, with a long long line behind us, the young clerk asks, "Would you like to sign up for a credit card and get an additional 25% off?" I said, No!. My wife said, "Why not?" I said, "Because I don't need another credit card." She said, "But it's 25% off." I said, "Okay then put it in your name." She said, "I can't. I already have a Toys R Us credit card." 

So I agreed, and while standing in line I had to give my social security number, my mother's maiden name, my full address, my drivers license number, my annual income and more. Everyone behind us in the long line got very pissed off and left, until there was absolutely no one behind us in line. But I got 25% off. So fuck them. Merry Christmas!

Pondering Randomly - Hey, someone has to think of this crap!

Okay, okay, I know I've been negligent. If you really need to get a fix of my absurd ramblings, make sure you friend me on Facebook and/or follow on Twitter. Okay, here goes:

Ultimate Photo Bomb: If you want to piss off friends and family, the next time someone hands you their phone and asks you to take their picture, switch the camera to the forward facing camera, tell them to smile and click a picture of yourself. Then quickly close the screen and hand them back their camera.

My Plan to Help the Economy: Statistically, the richest people in the country are senior citizens. So, instead of giving seniors a discount, we should charge them more. Wait! Scratch that.

Normalcy: I took a Sominex and washed it down with a Red Bull. Man did I feel normal.

Naming your dog: I wanted to name my new dog Shot or Bucket, so it would be funny when I called her.

Nice to Meet You: My new introduction when I meet someone: "Hi, my name is Gary. But my friends call me Dick."

Crazy Contemplations - Pop Culture, Politics and Potty Humor

Posted for your ridicule:

I watched the State of the Union, listened to Rubio's response and read the entire transcript of the Tea Party response. After taking in all of the valid points and sentiments of each, one can only determine that they're all full of shit.

One time I gave up sex for Lent. My wife asked me what I gave up. I said, "Try to guess." She never figured it out.

You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear. Maybe not, but you can make a pretty cool sow's ear purse.

I believe in spirits. Mostly Scotch, but sometimes vodka or bourbon.

I was thinking that sometimes apostrophes can be so possessive.

Some jokes are timeless, and some times are jokeless.

Clever quotes are for people who can't write jokes. Wait...

Absolute power corrupts absolutely. Absolut vodka gets you drunk and you don't give a shit.

Once you lose your mind, life is a no-brainer.

When someone has something to tell you, good or bad, say nothing. Just listen. Intently. Do not comment. That really pisses them off.

It costs $10 a month to join Planet Fitness gym. First Monday's are free pizza night. That's one meal taken care of.

The Jet's Pizza television commercial claims to have invented the eight corner pizza. Is taking two small pizzas and putting them in the same box really an invention?

Personally, I think some of the more extreme NRA members should be shot! Oh, wait....

How come all of  Casper the Friendly Ghost's cousins have Dairy Queen ice cream swirl heads and Casper's looks like a Hostess Snow Ball?

I never finish anythi

Angus T. Jones Two and a Half Men religious rant video is consipiracy to boost ratings

Angus T. Jones, the young man who plays Jake (the half-a-man) on the hit CBS comedy show "Two and a Half Men"  recently recorded a video rant on YouTube requesting that people not watch "Two and a Half Men" because Jesus doesn't approve.

The video is long (in two-parts), but let's focus on the damning part where he says things like "Please stop watching it" and "Stop filling your head with filth." He also says that he actually doesn't want to be on the sitcom any more.


The rant against the show is about 7 minutes and 45 seconds in.

What? He's making $350,000 per episode. If he wants to spread the word of his newfound Seventh Adventist Church, take the $8.5 million you make and donate it to them. Or go feed thousands of hungry people and take some of the pressure off Obama.

On the other hand, perhaps the whole thing is a brilliant conspiracy created by successful television icon Chuck Lorre.

Maybe, just maybe, Chuck put Angus up to going on record telling everyone how crude, and lewd and sexually inappropriate the show is so that all of the people who don't already watch the show, and really enjoy totally irreverent sex and drug comedy will tune in to see what they're missing. Winning!

Could this be true? Probably not, but hey, I can make stuff up if I want to. [See disclaimer at top of page.] :)

Great gifts for cigar smokers that don't stink

Following are some possible holiday gift ideas for that cigar smoker in your life. Of course, you can always buy cigar smokers some cigars (we NEVER complain about that unless they  contain primarily cow manure with some tobacco ingredients added), but here are some great gift ideas for cigar smokers which you do not light on fire.

CIGAR TIE

For all of you cigar smokers, you can either buy this for yourself or send your loved ones here. You know you want one.
Happy Holidays from you to you. :)

DESKTOP HUMIDOR

If you're looking for a very nice humidor with a front-mounted, glass hygrometer, cedar lined and tempered-glass top, this is an amazing price. It has a nice mahogany finish and holds between 25 and 50 cigars.

CIGAR CADDY

If you're outdoorsy and a cigar smoker, this is a must. This cigar caddy holds five Churchills, is made from heavy duty molded plastic, it floats, it's airtight and waterproof to 100 feet deep. Just think, now you can take your cigars with you when you go scuba diving.

FOLDING WOOD CIGAR ASHTRAY WITH CUTTER

Such a nice gift. Beautiful, high-gloss walnut finish with a guillotine and punch cutter and a cigar bed with stainless steel ash resevoir. I'm adding this to my wish list.

TIGER FULCRUM DOUBLE TORCH CIGAR LIGHTER

After blowing literally hundreds of dollars on expensive Colibri lighters, thinking that they MUST be the best because they cost the most, I love to find a great deal on a lighter that does the job and gives me enough money left over to buy six or seven decent cigars. I never got more than three months out of any of the four or five Colibris I purchased before I had to ship it back so they could "fix" it...repeatedly. I finally gave up and used a very inexpensive lighter that came free with an issue of Cigar Magazine. That one lit time after time for more than two years, until I took it swimming last summer.

I understand that lighters, especially with SST, can be sensitive and perhaps malfunction. But I'd rather invest less than ten bucks than $165.00.

This Tiger Torch comes gift boxed.

Brief nudity not so brief; device for man to understand womanspeak and more pop culture absurdities

They are developing an electronic device which will allow you to put in earpieces and have any language interpreted and played in your headphones. It further allows you to speak into a microphone and what you say will be translated to their language and played through a speaker. Amazing! Now if they could only come up with a similar device where, when you put it on, a man could understand womanspeak.

 

When watching a movie with a DVR, brief nudity is not necessarily so brief. I have pause button.

 

At least Apple didn't call their new product a MiniPad.

 

How did the metric system overtake our beverage cans and bottles information? Now, large bottles of soft drinks are 16.9 ounces or 1.05 pints. What are they doing, just trying to remind us that our method of measurement sucks? 16.9 ounces equals 500 mL. Oh, metric system, you're so cool with your round numbers. But, what if we left it at 16 ounces? How many mL is that, smarty pants? It's something like 497.036 mL. Not so cool now are you?

 

Many times in my life I've heard people say that you should let tap water run for a few seconds before filling your glass and drinking it, because the water that first comes out of the tap has been sitting there stagnant for a while. Isn't the water just behind simply water that was sitting stagnant further down the pipeline?

 

93% of the African American population voted for President Obama. Studies show that the other 7% may have simply made a mistake.

 

I remember when I used to have a rotary cellphone.

 

I'm not sure what my being aware of breast cancer does to help the cause. They should call it Donate Money to Breast Cancer Research Month. Just for us stupid people.

I sometimes listen to those Music Choice channels on cable. I was watching/listening to the Classic Rock channel and most of the ads were for senior emergency alert and hair restoration. Truly WTF??

Here's something you simply don't hear anymore, "Hurry up, I need to use the phone."

After the brutal political season Thomas Jefferson and I have some advice

Thanks to Facebook and extreme right wing and left wing postings, many friendships have been torn  apart. So, in light of  the election finally being behind us, I wanted to share some of the wisdom of Thomas Jefferson and some of the absurdity of me (with the help of Photoshop).

 

 

The coolest spot to do all of your online holiday shopping - and help Hurricane Sandy victims

Welcome to the page where you can find the top online shopping stores and help a great cause at the same time. Aw, go on. Help me make this a popular one-stop online shopping web page.

When you order through any of the stores on this page, 100% of the proceeds go to the Powdered Milk is Gonna Taste a Lot Better Once I Get the Water Turned Back On Fund. (Okay, there really is no such fund.)

But, seriously, when you use purchase anything from any of these top online shopping websites, 10% of the profits will be donated to help those affected by Hurricane Sandy, through the American Red Cross. Please share this convenient page with everyone.

If you're not looking to do any online shopping but would still like to show your support for those devastated by Frankenstorm, visit RedCross.org or text REDCROSS to 90999 to donate $10 to the relief fund.

This holiday season 700 gazillion people will spend 2 bazillion dollars shopping online. Be part of that. Go on, buy something.

Amazon.com
Brookstone.com
Sears.com
JCP.com
Macys.com
Kohls.com
Target.com
CrateAndBarrel.com
Lowes.com
Staples.com
Apple.com
Walmart.com
OfficeDepot.com
Dell.com
BestBuy.com
Nordstrum.com
Zappos.com
VictoriasSecret.com
TopShop.com
GVC.com
GNC.com
BarnsandNoble.com
SportsAuthority.com
Cooking.com
Hotels.com
Expedia.com

More to come.

Thanks for your support.

Furnace repair: how to do it yourself and ruin a perfectly good Sunday with the help of Google, Facebook and Words with Friends

I love how connected we all are. I couldn't live without my Android phone. I even have a website dedicated to all of the cool things you can do with a Smartphone. From productivity to games, from reading books to watching...um...other stuff. I don't miss calls or emails or text messages, and I can even see what far-away loved ones are up to via Facebook or video chat on my laptop, tablet, desktop, Android or iPhone.
 

Because of the amazing Smartphone and Internet technology, arguments (except when you're talking politics or sports), are almost non-existent, thanks to the ability to Google or look up anything under dispute, any time, any place.
 

But sometimes Google can mess you up and take away an entire Sunday originally intended for leisurely activities.
 

A couple of Sundays ago it started getting a bit chillier in the metro Detroit area. So chilly in fact, that I fired up the furnace. Or at least tried to.
 

I flicked the heat switch on the thermostat and set it to Auto. Then I cranked it up a bit to get the ignitor to trigger and light the burners (ooo, almost sounds like I know what I'm talking about). Initially, it sounded just like it did last year when the furnace kicked on. Except this time the burners only stayed lit for about five seconds, and then shut off.
 

What the hell? I don't want to call the heating and air conditioning people who are going to charge me an arm and a leg to come out and probably fix it in a minute. And how do I know if whatever they tell me is wrong is even really the problem, or if they are just feeding me some bull-pucky to milk more cash from me. Sometimes it can be expensive to be this stupid.
 

So, I decided to go on Google and search for a solution to my problem and do it myself (DIM). That way, if it was a simple fix I could run to Lowes (lowes.com) or Sears (sears.com) or Aco (acohardware.com), or is it Ace hardware.com (I always get those two confused) and get whatever I needed. Enter: "lennonx furnace lights and shuts off in five seconds." Voila! Hundreds of people have had this same problem. So I started clicking on the links to the forums where people were describing their problems and even showing Youtube videos of exactly the same problem that I was having.
 

Then the good news. According to EVERYBODY, It's really easy to resolve and it won't cost me anything (except the time to do it). Yay!
 

Boo! Nothing is EVER as easy as it seems. EVERY half-hour job takes me somewhere between three hours and eternity. But, what the hell. Maybe I can do this.
 

Tackle the challenge
 

After reading entries in multiple forums from people who were having the exact same problem as I, it seemed almost certain that the problem was that my flame sensor needed to be cleaned. All I needed to do was take some sand paper or steel wool, clean off the thick wire-like sensor, put it back in place and everything should work just fine.
 

Next search: "how do I remove flame sensor from lennox value series furnace?" This search returned lots of results including video showing me just how easy it is to change it. Unscrew one little screw on the front plate that holds the burners in place, slide out the sensor, clean it, put it back, screw in one screw, turn on furnace, enjoy the warmth.
 

Or not!
 

After removing the front cover panel and looking inside, I easily determined where the flame sensor was. However, my furnace didn't afford the opportunity to JUST REMOVE ONE FREAKING SCREW. No, no! In order for me to get to the damned thing it looked like I had to remove brackets and probably even the burners themselves just to get access to the sensor, which is probably the one part that needs to be accessed the most, since so many people seem to have had the exact same problem that I was having.
 

So, back to the computer. More Googling. Finally, I found a video made by a guy showing me how to remove a flame sensor from a furnace that doesn't have a convenient screw (insert convenient screw joke here). Yup! Remove the outer bracket, remove the bracket behind that, and them remove the goddam burners. Then simply (yeah right) clean off the now exposed sensor, put it all back together and...enjoy the warmth.
 

Not gonna do it
 

As I knelt uncomfortably on the tile floor staring into the furnace and contemplating getting my socket wrench to start taking things apart, a sudden burst of common sense hit me in the face. Hell no! I'm not doing that. Me? Taking apart a contraption that fills up with gas and ignites creating a flame which remains burning until I'm toasty? I don't think that's such a good idea. I know me...and my abilities as a handyman.
 

So, I was mildly proud of myself for determining exactly what the problem was, but decided that actually taking apart my furnace wasn't real bright.
 

I commenced to put the cover back on the furnace and informed my wife that, although I felt quite manly for figuring out the problem, I couldn't get this "simple" task done because when given an opportunity to not blow up my house and family, I usually take it.
 

Enter: Internet again.
 

My wife, while on Facebook, mentioned that I had successfully diagnosed the dirty flame sensor problem with my furnace, but that I was such a loser that I was incapable of actually fixing it. Okay, she didn't put it that way, but that's how I interpreted it. She asked if any of her friends knew of anyone who could help (and not require getting a co-signer).
 

Enter: Smartphone.
 

Shortly after my wife posted that message on Facebook (of which I was not aware), I received a text message from friend with whom I was playing a game of Words With Friends. It simply said: "Kevin will be calling you shortly." At first I thought that she was just demonstrating her psychic abilities. Then, two minutes later, the phone rang and WTF, it was a guy named Kevin. He explained that Denise had given him my number after she saw my wife's posting on Facebook and was wondering if he could help.
 

After I explained the problem and told him what I believed was the remedy, he confirmed my diagnosis. Yay, again! Then he told me to "simply remove the dirty flame sensor and clean it off with some sandpaper or steel wool, put it back in and enjoy the warmth." No, no, no, no, no! I knew that. The problem was that I couldn't get at the part I needed to clean.
 

As I was trying to explain how it was all configured (after I disassembled the front of the furnace a third time), he said, "I wish I could see it." When I suggested that I take a picture with my Android phone and forward it to his phone, he said, "my phone has a red button and a green button." Okay, chalk that idea. He did, however have an email address, so I sent a couple of pictures there.
 

He took a look, called me back and suggested that I remove the two hex nuts on the top bracket above the burners. I did that, and (not very easily) was able to cram my hand back behind the burner where the flame sensor was located and basically clean it with little tiny movements (not much room) with a toothbrush and a piece of steel wool.
 

I "cleaned" it as best I could and decided to just put everything back together and see what happens. If it doesn't work, then that wasn't the problem and I'd have to have a heating and cooling guy come out.
 

I went upstairs, clicked it on, cranked up the thermostat, and it has been working just fine ever since.
 

Thank you Google. Thank you Facebook. Thank you Hotmail. And thank you Words With Friends (Note: I kicked Denise's ass in the game).
 

As it turned out, I was originally planning to watch the Detroit Lions football game, and they lost anyway. Apparently, there is more than one way to waste a perfectly good Sunday.
 

 

Afterthought: In case you found this page when you were really looking for furnaces
 

 

If you are looking to purchase a gas furnace, there are some great options online. Believe it or not Amazon.com has a number of furnaces (Ducane, Rheem, you can purchase and have shipped, and lowes.com now carries a few furnaces (and lots of wood burners) that you can purchase and pick up or have delivered from your local Lowes location. Sears.com has a full line of Kenmore brand furnaces.

 

 

       

This time Facebook stalking is good...and scary

 
"Take This Lollipop" is an interactive Facebook Connect movie.

In keeping with the Halloween spirit (funny costumes here), I invite you to check out "Take This Lollipop," a very cool and kind of creepy web page. It will require you to log in using your Facebook account, but they do not store any of your information, post anything to your page or send you any emails. Just do it. It's fun and a little eerie. A perfect page to share with your friends (or better yet, share this page) during the Halloween season.

I don't know much about the creator, but it looks as though the guy who wrote it also stars in it (along with YOU!). I've seen this techology before, where they grab some of the information in your Facebook profile or photos you provide and incorporate it into a video story. There's a cute one involving Santa Claus and your kid. But this takes the cake.

First off, most of us are reluctant to share personal information online and this clever, live action Facebook Connect production requires you to log-in through your Facebook account. Then, when you do, you are presented with......aw, screw it. Just do it and see for yourself.
 
It's disturbingly fun.

Click here to go to "Take This Lollipop."

Real Fake Interview with Arnold Schwarzenegger - Altered Audio - Truth about Mildred the Housekeeper

Here is the interview I had with Arnold Schwarzennegger, where he discusses his new book "Total Recall" (available at Amazon.com or BarnesandNoble.com). In this interview Arnold tells the REAL story about Mildred the Housekeeper.

Arnold is candid about Maria Shriver, Mildred the Housekeeper and his new book in this very short, very phony, funny parody of Arnold Schwarzenegger's promotional tour to tout his new memoir.

Although this shows Arnold in a slightly negative light, he is only a tad more sleazy than he was in the original interview with Diane Sawyer.

More altered audio and absurd, allegedly funny stuff at Interactive Lunacy, Smart Ass News and Cellphone Reality TV.




For true Arnold fans, check out this signed Arnold Schwarzenegger Laser Disc Cover. Powers Collectibles 3139 Signed Terminator The- Arnold Schwarzenegger Laser Disc Cover By Arnold Schwarzenegger (Google Affiliate Ad)

    

Halloween costume ideas - you can make them or buy them

Where do I find cool, funny Halloween costumes for adults, kids and couples?

 

It's time for Halloween costume shopping. I usually don't dress up myself. Usually I just pull out my clown nose and tell people that my costume is a "grown-up with a clown nose." Original? Yes. Stupid as hell? Absolutely.

 

Even though I don't put any time or effort into costuming myself at Halloween, I do really appreciate a cool or funny costume and decided to review some Halloween costumes and web sites where you can purchase Halloween costumes. Of course some of the most funny costumes ones are the ones that people make themselves. Here's a few examples of homemade Halloween costumes.  If you've got the time, you can make your own but, you can also buy some funny and creative costumes at retail stores like Target.com, Macys.com, Sears.com and J.C. Penny (jcp.com).
 

I have actually spent hours creating stupid gifts for friend's birthdays, like the Belly Button Blow Dryer, but if I needed a costume, I'd probably just search for a cool one to buy. I surfed around the Halloween section at Target.com and must admit there were some costumes that were pretty impressive. Of course, you can get any of the hot super heroes, political figures or assortment of trendy stuff there, but if you're looking for something a bit different, or off-the wall then here are some great choices:
 

HalloweenCostumes.com has a great variety of ideas, and a great selection of categories including kids, adults, sexy, couples and even group. And if you surf around some of the other costume sites you'll find costumes like the one I found at costumesupercenter.com featuring a couples' costume with the woman as an electrical outlet, and the man as a plug (pictured).
 

There are also some excellent  Halloween costume choices (including some cool baby and toddler costumes) at costumeexpress.com. They even have a 4D app for iPhone and Android that you can download to make your costume shopping easier. Or at least cooler.
 

 

If you create any bizarre, funny, creative Halloween costumes, take a pic and send it to me. Go on, I dare ya.

 

 

       

WTFWIT Cooking show - incredible, spicy, breakfast tortilla recipe

Even though I often eat evil food, we usually try to eat well and healthy at our house. Not a lot of red meat and we watch the sugars. Sometimes we watch them go from the products they're in, right into our tummies, but we try. We really try. So, shut up. And eat.

One of my favorite meals to cook is breakfast. Over the years I have almost completely eliminated added salt, and when I cook eggs I get rid of the yolk. I don't miss the salt, but sometimes I miss the yolk.

Anyway, this is my first recipe video, where I share how I prepare my Spicy Breakfast Tortilla.

I really think that if I had a nicer supply of cookware, like the stuff you can get at Macy's, Target.com or J. C. Penny (jcp.com), that I could be an even better cook. There are also a lot of great cookware deals at Amazon.com, in case anyone is looking to buy me gifts. Oh yeah, and cooking.com and crateandbarrel.com. I also like Android devices (as you can see at my Hooked On Droid site).

Honestly, when I prepare my breakfast feasts they are always different. Although, you will always see a spicy theme. Soon, I'm going to share my recipe for the Omelet From Hell.

"WTFWIT?" What the F*@k Was I Thinking?" Video blog excerpts from Gary Thison's Joking Smoker Blog

For those of you too lazy to read, this is a video blog with excerpts from previous Joking Smoker blog entries.

What the hell was I thinking? Stand on line for a crappy phone, smelly habits, and more. Pointless ponderings blog.

Back bi-polar demand, more pointless ponderings. Thanks for reading the allegedly funny, satirical, parody, comedy blog. Your comments and heckles are encouraged. I ain't ascaird of you.

• I have a lot of bad habits, but smoking cigars is the only one that you can smell when I walk into a room. Unless, of course, you consider farting a habit.

• The synthetic marijuana substitute that they call K2 or Bath Salts is smoked (which is not recommended) and creates hallucinations and sometimes violent, psychotic behavior. It seems that, as soon as the Food and Drug Administration bans one of the ingredients of this "incense," they use a different chemical to replace the one that was banned. So, when they change the ingredients so often in order to stay one-step ahead of the law, I was wondering how they know if the new chemical they added will have the desired  affect? Do they have testers? Maybe they run ads in the help wanted classifieds? "So, Mr. Tester, how was that?" "Good. I feel like killing my mother and eating her face." Excellent. Ship it. (On a serious note, if you encounter any party stores, smoke shops or gas stations selling this crap, voice your opinion to the proprietor, and tell them you won't be shopping there again.)

• One of my favorite words is "wasps." Technically, it's one syllable, but when you say it, it sounds like three. Waaaa...spppp...sssss.

• If a product says "Gluten Free" does that mean that you just don't pay extra for the gluten? "Hey honey, look. Free gluten."

• A new study indicates that smiling, even if it's a phony smile, lowers your heart rate and makes you calmer. It is  recommended that during stressful times you smile or laugh to reduce stress. "I'm sorry to tell you Grampa died." "Ha ha ha ha ha. Ahhhh ha ha ha. Whew, I feel better." (Don't try this at home.)

• I've always marvelled at how, in movie fight scenes, people can fly through the air, kick their opponent in the face, smash a chair over their head, throw them across the room, and they just get up and continue fighting. Then, I realized that it really isn't all that different than "The Three Stooges," when Moe would whack Curly in the head with a hammer. I'm not trying either.

• On CNN television news network, two broadcasters were arguing about whether or not the news media should cover the fact that the new CEO of Yahoo! Melissa Mayer was pregnant. Hellllloooo? By discussing whether or not you should discuss it, YOU COVERED IT. Who's stupider, CNN or the viewers?

• Why do so many Muslims blame America because one guy makes a bad movie against Islam. America doesn't endorse this movie. Hell, no one is really sure that the movie even exists and that it isn't really just a trailer for a never-made production. Blaming America for the actions of this one guy is like assuming that everyone who dies their hair red is likely to shoot up a movie theater.

• I really don't understand the mentality of people who will stand in line for eight days to get an iPhone 5, when the Apple product is just playing catch-up to Android products which have had the new iPhone features for a couple of years already. Plus, it seems that the new iPhone 5 has other issues, like the GPS and maps not working very well, the screen being a bit too long and the fact that you have to buy all new accessories. I'll take a $99 Verizon 4G device,  thank you very much.

Check out the mobile version of the Joking Smoker Blog

Have you ever been sitting somewhere with nothing to do? You look at your phone. Sure, you can play a game of Stupid Zombies (greatest Smarphone game app of all time), or check out the latest news stories, but why not load the new mobile version of this blog? Hmmm. Why not? Just load the web address or, you can take your Smarphone (Android or iPhone), scan the QR Code below, and then bookmark the page. Aww go on!

 

Altered Audio: Obama addresses Libya crisis - what Republicans heard

This is just me having a little fun altering the audio of President Obama's recent press conference addressing the crisis in Libya. He actually spoke every word. Okay, maybe not with that intent nor in that order, but he did utter each of the words.



     

What the hell am I thinking? Hating nostalgia, left-handed urination and more.

• Remember back when hating nostalgia was fashionable? Those were the days.

• Speaking of nostalgia, I remember when a government meltdown involved gold and other precious metals.

• Factcheck.org has been factchecked by many factcheckers. Pick a topic presented by either side and you will probably find factcheck.org blowing holes in it. Super Pac Obama anti-Romney commercial? Full of bullshit. Super Pac Romney anti-Obama propaganda? Mostly bullshit. The problem with the internet is that people use it to find stories that support what they think they think, and then post it as fact. As was so astutely noted on the Showtime show "The Big C:" the Internet isn't for information....it's for porn.

• When I use a urinal, I generally use my left hand. That leaves my right hand available for texting. Still wanna borrow my phone?

• Why do they call it "fancy ketchup?" What makes it fancy? Could I get less fancy ketchup cheaper? Where do I get that?

• Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers hit four home runs in one game on May 8, 2012. Amazing! Even more astonishing, that spectacular feat has been accomplished on 16 other occasions. Seeing that on the news reminded me of June 24, 1968 when Jim Northrup of the Detroit Tigers hit two grand slams in one game. To me, that's even freakier because what are the odds of even coming up to the plate in a bases-loaded situation twice in one game. I guess technically every player who ever hit two home runs in the same game could have a shot at the two grand slam thing, if only his damn team would load up the bases for him.

• The best thing about winter is that you don't have to cut the grass or clean the pool. The worst thing about winter is that you don't have to cut the grass or clean the pool.

• The T.S.A.  has been instructed to stop harassing celebrities and let them get through at airports quicker. Expect an increase in celebrity look alike terrorists.

If you don't get me this stuff for Father's Day, I'm getting it for myself

I still maintain that I'm the easiest person in the world to buy for. Just ask me what I want. "Cigars." Then ask me what kind I like. "The more they cost, the better I'll like them."

See. Wasn't that easy?

So when anyone asks "What do you want for Father's Day?" Or, if you're wondering what to get your dad for Father's Day, I'm here to resolve that issue. Get the Father's Day gifts that every cigar smoking dad wants.

Now, if you don't want to buy me (or your dad) cigars, okay, then buy cigar accessories. Here are some that I either already love and own, or I'd love for someone to buy for me. How about you? No, I'm not asking what gifts you'd like to receive, I'm asking if YOU'D like to buy me this stuff. Just contact me and I'll provide you with my shipping address. :)

These tips also work for birthdays, holidays anniversaries and Tuesdays.

• Cigar Save It - This is a MUST HAVE for any cigar smoker. Rarely do we get an opportunity to enjoy a full cigar in one sitting, so this really handy accessory is a perfect addition for any pocket, car, fanny-pack or wherever you store keep your cigar stuff. With Cigar Save It, you can puff away and then, when it's time to extinguish just slide your fully lit cigar into the Cigar Save It tube, close the top and return it to your pocket. Before I purchased my first Cigar Save It I would lose a lot of cigars by setting them on a ledge or curb or tossing them onto the lawn. Not any more. This is the best accessory you can buy for nine bucks. Learn more.

• Gorham That's Entertainment Flask/Cigar Set, 5-Piece - This is a beautiful gift. Even if you have to give it to yourself. Gorham is a highly respected company who produces nothing but quality stuff. You get everything pictured at left (flask, cigar cutter, two-cigar pocket carrier, shot glass (I think you actually get two, which would make it a six-piece set, and a little hat for your miniature Wizard of Oz Tin Man doll. :) Get yours here.

• Folding Wood Cigar Ashtray W/ Cutter - Not too much needs to be said for a really cool cigar ash tray, which comes with a razor sharp cutter and folds into a nifty little wooden box for easy travel storage. Nothing worse than being on the road and having to rest your cigars on strange ashtrays.

• Cigar Compadre - This very inexpensive accessory comes in very handy. When you don't need to extinguish your cigar with your Cigar Save It, this cigar accessory comes in very handy to just rest your smoke for a few while you whack your balls, cast your line, or nod out on your hammock. Check it out here.

• Xikar Stainless Steel Portable Cigar Ash Can - I love this! It's a can that fits right in your car's cup holder and it has a ring and spiral holder to fit most ring sizes. Then, when you're on the go or just want to contain the "aroma," screw the lid on it. For less than 20 bucks. Get all the details here.

Here's what I recommend: copy the url (web address) of this page and paste it into an email to send to everyone you know. Let me know how it works out for ya.